"From the darkness, sleeping light." Formerly luminus dormiens. Lux pacis, light of peace.

Quote: "Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us." --Bill Watterson, cartoonist, Calvin and Hobbes


On being human

It must be understood, never doubted, that I may for the rest of my life suffer from this affliction: Delayed Information-Acquisition Syndrome (DIAS). This means that I always am the last to know, or at least feel like I am always the last to know. I am perennially delayed in all things of the outside world.

I will admit that rejection is very ego-bruising, and I had my bloated sense of self ultimately broken, deflated, and torn apart. The only problem is that I hide this hurt and never let it out, never convey to any other human being this pain that I am forever excluded from a world of intelligence, academia, pomp.

I was born with broken ears; I am living bruised; and I will die a broken man. The depressing depressed state of existence to which I am confined is not far from the everlasting sense of complacency of life I had before. It's in different pits of hell, but still hell.

What opportunity have I lost in not entering one of the best institutions in the world? What have I forgone in not making every effort to extract what I must know to transfer, to try to meet the requirements, to find out those requirements, so that I might increase my chances and decrease my loss? To strangle it and get what I need?

I fear that each class I take will glaciate my hope and opportunity.

For I cannot take the classes that I want, that I need, that I should have learned a long time ago, so that I could have made a better choice about my future. Now I am trapped between these two choices, which offer nothing substantial of an advantage over the other.

IN the rejection, I was hurt in the deepest sense because I had not expected it. That coupled with the realization that I am damned to live in the so-called "Alternative Lifestyle," words which are starting to grate my ears now.

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