20030419

I confess this loneliness is mine
Which I can see, provoked to this state,
And provoke this state as well.
A cycle beyond my power to will
Out or in of existence.
How to stop this recoiling habitude
This turly-whirl, Where my bearing's got
Only at the precipice and the trough
A split of frozen motion
Before I fall or rise, trapped by elastic cord
To this epicenter.
I must as ellipses move.
Therein my body must minister
To himself.

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20030418

I had a wet dream. I was in the garage masturbating and I ejaculate in pleasure, but I was still stroking my penis when upon touching it with my left hand, I orgasmed again. I touched it the third time, I orgasmed the third time. I stopped, but was trapped in between deep sleep and wakefulness. It was a mode of not really being asleep and not really being awake.

When I finally woke up maybe a few minutes later, I felt something wet in my underwear, and of course, I realized and remembered that it was nocturnal emission. So I changed my underwear, after wiping away what gave it that so familiar name, and went back to sleep. Of course, it took a while, but I was dead-tired.




There was a kind of blackout in our neighborhood. Maybe somebody did something, but it caused every house in our neighborhood at 1:45 to blackout until 3:00.

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20030414

I am free from Furby's grasp, finally . . . but my psychology remains unchanged. The powerful boy crush that I had for him was so extraordinary that I'm not sure I could ever experience such a tightly bounded form of longing. I probably will because I am unable to fix the very thing that gave me this ability to experience a complex, enduring, and idealistic state of love. I will repeatedly, like leeches, attach and then physically and emotionally drain a person's health and psyche.

How did I obtain this freedom? which for two long years had taken me to the highest of the high and the lowest of the low, plunged me into depression and deep loss of appetite, and by the same turn, carry me up to Mt. Everest that I could live for . . . wait, though I had achieved a kind of happiness when he had time for me, the truth was that I was never truly happy, just grateful to have his acknowledgement.

I obtained this freedom by knowing another gay boy, here right around here in a city close to mine, Castro Valley. He knows, he knows who I am! I feel good to be so momentarily free that he knows. He even has a boyfriend, which means that, while he is younger than I am, he serves as a role model to whom I could aspire. As opposed to people who doesn't know me, this boy serves as the perfect foil to make me realize that Furby is just Firmino, no more, and much less.

I'll agree that there were other things beside the CV boy. There were things such as Furby having a girlfriend, leading an unproductive life, and is stupid and boring. I shouldn't say such things about Furby; he is my friends after all. The problem is, apparently, a feature of manhood, my masculinity in psyche, which is forming friends of the road than of the heart. So far now, Furby is not participating in my life, nor am I in his. There are no economical or figurative reasons to pursue friendship, especially since I find that he is too busy to be friends with me. This shows a lot of man's inner thoughts, one of which is to disregard the little things.

Inevitably, he is changing, as am I. He changes, I changes, even when he wrote in every single things of notes: "Don't ever change." It is a shame that I for him would give up the chance to go to UCD. I admit it. He was a reason for me to stay, so I could keep in touch with him. Obviously, that didn't happen; we are further apart, and now I don't care. I regret making such foolish choices. Learning ASL at CSUH was not important enough, though I now have formed friendships with some people there, the problem is that I am not forming friendships in other areas, including Chemistry, Communication, Math, etc. I am also missing the experience of making friends with people in the Residence Hall, just stopping by to talk and communicate.

In retrospect, I doubt that Residentail Hall could have been as fulfilling as signing with people of the Deaf Community, but I realize now that I could have taught people how to sign so they could communicate with me. I could have learned how to sign so that whoever wants to talk to me, I could suggest whether they want to take the time to learn ASL and together we could engage in silent communication. Now, I feel that CSUH is probably a necessary step to enforce what was missing from SLHS. Now all my focus is on changing school to someplace far from my parents to find a better life and experience. I dare not say that CSUH was a terrible experience, but I would say that CSUH is not quite what I was looking for and does not have what I want (better scientific programs). Of course, science programs are virtually the same nationwide because they are accredited, for better or for worse.

I was told a long time ago by a deaf and hard-of-hearing specialist that UCD had some ASL program at an adult school. I could have gone there, and hopefully they teach from the same quality material that Ken Mikos, my ASL professor, used. If not, I could have transferred to UCB and learn ASL there instead. Of course, the fact is that I will need to learn yet another language because ASL is confined in UCB to the departments of Linguistic Studies.

I've lost the purpose of this blog: to explain that I am free from Furby's hold on me. I must go now, having made this blog too long.

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20030413

I've started running the Folding@Home client for the first few days without any problems, but lately when I started Windows, I wind up having my computer go through the Blue Screen of Death, where it automatically restarts itself without even saving. I'm not sure I understand it, but I can easily blame it on F@H. For some reasons, F@H causes some instability in Windows 98 that I cannot fathom. Perhaps the CPU load is too high, so Windows is unable to perform its basic function to stay alive because F@H is hogging some system resources. So for now, what I've resorted to is to take the F@H from the Startup group and simply start it manually after I feel that the computer is finished starting up so that I can then move on with my business. But I really want to know what the heck is going on, so please email me at luminus310@hotmail.com to explain the process. Granted, the F@H community does provide a forum board, but I hate having to go through the damn registration process.




I went with my family on the biological father's side to see my grandfather at the cemetery. We were celebrating a Chinese custom of burning fake money and fake clothes, along with incense to honor and mourn the deceased. I don't remember much about him because of family tensions between my mother and my father.




So far, I'm enjoying myself this quarter. I'm being exceptionally busy and tired, but that is offset by the fact that I can always have friends with whom to sign so I can communicate, whether it's gossip or purposeful, every Tuesday and Thursday. I'm glad to see that Professor Ken Mikos and his teaching assistants set up a meeting place at the University Union. It's the one place and time that I don't feel so left out. We meet every Tuesday and Thursday. I wish the meeting was more often, but I'll take what I can get at this point in time.

I know God must be laughing at me for being so foolish, but he has made me this way, and so I will live it out the way that I can, the way that would be me.

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