20040116
Nature of Friendship and Common Interest
With a discussion of male-female dichotomy
I am going to have dinner tonight, with my friends. How strange to see me type that. I guess these friends are different from the one that I expected. I guess I should avoid looking for a specific treasure, but to appreciate what I find.
I realized gamely that the specific "treasure" as I so called it is simply the one that I see on the street and saw in high school. In other words, they are the popular people.
Never mind the fact that we don't share the same interest. It would be soul-fulfilling to have them share their aura with me.
I wonder what people talk about in general. The "friends" I have talk about many things, but I never considered the subjects to be real conversations. I guess I wanted to have a philosophical discussion with cute boys. Then again, it's better for them to be dumb, so I can just pat them lightly on the head and stare into their vague unknowing eyes and smile. And then, I would kiss them on the eyes just to titillate them.
Geez, I wish I could and other people could maintain themselves. I wonder how so many women often look so good, so, so, so lovely, and yet I can feel not even the slightest sexual attraction to them. But men, males, boys, guys, half the population, many of whom rarely groom or do the things necessary to make themselves look and smell good, to them I am attracted.
The problem is that I am attracted only to those, the small fraction, that do keep themselves looking nice, but not overly flamboyant. I like those, like myself, I guess. Those that wear mild, but nice clothes, those that don't care too much about brand names, but what scintillate their eyes.
Turtlenecks, mock turtlenecks, mock orange turtleneck, mock neon orange turtleneck is a color I want to find. Dress down casual. Down casual. Casual. Yeah, that's a word.
It would be preferable if they have similar taste that I do. Not the same, but similar enough to be exchangeable. If people could look as good as I do [here is an example of arrogance] wearing the clothes that I wear, I would by all means date them.
It might seem strange that I use people instead of the more specific words that refer narrowly to half of the population with penises, and even more narrowly to people who do not think of themselves as the opposite sex or find pleasure in wearing clothes of the opposite sex.
It's just me. I don't like to employ the use of the word "man," "men," "boy," boys," "boi," "bois," "boyz," boiz," "male," "guy," "guys," "guyz," "dude," "hombre," "homme," "garcon," etc.
I like people. I guess this could be an instance of me still trying to keep open the possibility that I might turn straight. Or else, I am trying to avoid being the section of the gay population that is overwhelmingly sexist, using disgusting words (in my eyes, but obviously not in theirs).
It seems strange to me because I am somewhat egalitarian in my philosophy that I still accept any inequality that exists. It's hard for me to explain, because I have been looping these ideas in my though process, and having come so far, I am come round to the same argument, and cannot thus put it into words without contradicting myself. Being deaf means that I am decreased in importance to others. A woman has certain differences that highlight their specialized functions: nurturing. Although I would say that women are in general designed for that role, I would never say that all women should be in that role and nothing else. All the people have the rights to access of information, and rights to access of careers of their choices based on their intelligence, their capability, and their creativity.
One point that I was making was that I have just found one person of a segment of the gay population that has been stuck in the old view of the world.
I was aghast when he uses the word "man" in a discussion on philosophy or government when humanity, humankind, the human race, the people of the world, all the individuals, etc. could have just been as easily substitute. It behooves me to think of him as a misguided sexist. I did not see any point to correct him in saying that word, but rather, I decided to respond using the better word. People might consider it to be a form of political correctness, but I don't think so. Sometimes a politically correct word can be very offensive. Witness the degradation of "homosexual" in the gay community (no source provided to support the argument of the preceding sentence, but by general agreement of many gays and lesbians that you might meet on the street; people are the best, if not entirely reliable, primary sources of all).
I understand that the philosophers who have contributed to the general discourse are almost entirely male, if not entirely so. The problem is that no one has ever made an effort to count the influence of women. Who knows, perhaps there was a woman making a grand statement of equality could have caused a man to write a lovely argument in favor of equality without even crediting her.
The branch that decrease the importance of women is a supremely religious (i.e. Christianity, Judaism, Islam, along with other religions that I did not read about). Therefore, whoever claims to have foresaken their beliefs in God can still be mired in its words and culture.
With a discussion of male-female dichotomy
I am going to have dinner tonight, with my friends. How strange to see me type that. I guess these friends are different from the one that I expected. I guess I should avoid looking for a specific treasure, but to appreciate what I find.
I realized gamely that the specific "treasure" as I so called it is simply the one that I see on the street and saw in high school. In other words, they are the popular people.
Never mind the fact that we don't share the same interest. It would be soul-fulfilling to have them share their aura with me.
I wonder what people talk about in general. The "friends" I have talk about many things, but I never considered the subjects to be real conversations. I guess I wanted to have a philosophical discussion with cute boys. Then again, it's better for them to be dumb, so I can just pat them lightly on the head and stare into their vague unknowing eyes and smile. And then, I would kiss them on the eyes just to titillate them.
Geez, I wish I could and other people could maintain themselves. I wonder how so many women often look so good, so, so, so lovely, and yet I can feel not even the slightest sexual attraction to them. But men, males, boys, guys, half the population, many of whom rarely groom or do the things necessary to make themselves look and smell good, to them I am attracted.
The problem is that I am attracted only to those, the small fraction, that do keep themselves looking nice, but not overly flamboyant. I like those, like myself, I guess. Those that wear mild, but nice clothes, those that don't care too much about brand names, but what scintillate their eyes.
Turtlenecks, mock turtlenecks, mock orange turtleneck, mock neon orange turtleneck is a color I want to find. Dress down casual. Down casual. Casual. Yeah, that's a word.
It would be preferable if they have similar taste that I do. Not the same, but similar enough to be exchangeable. If people could look as good as I do [here is an example of arrogance] wearing the clothes that I wear, I would by all means date them.
It might seem strange that I use people instead of the more specific words that refer narrowly to half of the population with penises, and even more narrowly to people who do not think of themselves as the opposite sex or find pleasure in wearing clothes of the opposite sex.
It's just me. I don't like to employ the use of the word "man," "men," "boy," boys," "boi," "bois," "boyz," boiz," "male," "guy," "guys," "guyz," "dude," "hombre," "homme," "garcon," etc.
I like people. I guess this could be an instance of me still trying to keep open the possibility that I might turn straight. Or else, I am trying to avoid being the section of the gay population that is overwhelmingly sexist, using disgusting words (in my eyes, but obviously not in theirs).
It seems strange to me because I am somewhat egalitarian in my philosophy that I still accept any inequality that exists. It's hard for me to explain, because I have been looping these ideas in my though process, and having come so far, I am come round to the same argument, and cannot thus put it into words without contradicting myself. Being deaf means that I am decreased in importance to others. A woman has certain differences that highlight their specialized functions: nurturing. Although I would say that women are in general designed for that role, I would never say that all women should be in that role and nothing else. All the people have the rights to access of information, and rights to access of careers of their choices based on their intelligence, their capability, and their creativity.
One point that I was making was that I have just found one person of a segment of the gay population that has been stuck in the old view of the world.
I was aghast when he uses the word "man" in a discussion on philosophy or government when humanity, humankind, the human race, the people of the world, all the individuals, etc. could have just been as easily substitute. It behooves me to think of him as a misguided sexist. I did not see any point to correct him in saying that word, but rather, I decided to respond using the better word. People might consider it to be a form of political correctness, but I don't think so. Sometimes a politically correct word can be very offensive. Witness the degradation of "homosexual" in the gay community (no source provided to support the argument of the preceding sentence, but by general agreement of many gays and lesbians that you might meet on the street; people are the best, if not entirely reliable, primary sources of all).
I understand that the philosophers who have contributed to the general discourse are almost entirely male, if not entirely so. The problem is that no one has ever made an effort to count the influence of women. Who knows, perhaps there was a woman making a grand statement of equality could have caused a man to write a lovely argument in favor of equality without even crediting her.
The branch that decrease the importance of women is a supremely religious (i.e. Christianity, Judaism, Islam, along with other religions that I did not read about). Therefore, whoever claims to have foresaken their beliefs in God can still be mired in its words and culture.
The Big Stupid Freedom
It is now more than simply to behave in a good manner, but to act as crazily as possible to maintain the semblance of sanity.
Although I do not know whether I have been accepted into the universities of my choice, there is one dilemma.
Yes: A change of scenery. The life for which many college students have grown up.
No: The loneliness that arises from being a deaf student. The homesickness.
I realize that it is I who choose how to live. The place I choose, is my own choice, culminating from the wisdom of the many students before it. Of course, Hayward is not the place best known for being lively, only adequate. Neither is any place because I can choose to avoid situations that would illuminate me from my social surrounding.
It is a time to learn.
It is now more than simply to behave in a good manner, but to act as crazily as possible to maintain the semblance of sanity.
Although I do not know whether I have been accepted into the universities of my choice, there is one dilemma.
Yes: A change of scenery. The life for which many college students have grown up.
No: The loneliness that arises from being a deaf student. The homesickness.
I realize that it is I who choose how to live. The place I choose, is my own choice, culminating from the wisdom of the many students before it. Of course, Hayward is not the place best known for being lively, only adequate. Neither is any place because I can choose to avoid situations that would illuminate me from my social surrounding.
It is a time to learn.
20040115
An escapade into freedom
I wonder sometimes why I have chosen to come out to one person today. I felt it was time. Have you ever woken up one day, after so many years of struggle, and finally realized that it simply was time. Like forgiveness, an act of disclosure is not something to be taken without much serious thought. And like forgiveness, people just wake up and forgive, even though it might have been yesterday that they were still hating the person who had betrayed.
I had planned to do this last week, but circumstances delayed it. Finally, I told her today. At first, she didn't reply in a manner that I expected.
Now, whatever my circumstances may arise, my duty's here to stay.
Oh, I'm sorry, for being so vague.
I was just saying that, even as I was telling her. A great weight was not lifted off from my chest. Instead, it was replaced by another no less heavier rock, but more charred, like Atlas, his pancake-earth carried.
I was staring with surmounting gloom, the [insert fancy word here] of facing every single meeting with having to explain that I am not in any relationship with the opposite sex that they might be thinking of. Someday, I will have to explain when they ask this question of me, "So are you dating anyone?"
Whether in sign or in speech, whether in English or the ancient language of the Aztecs people, I must reply with a sentence so loaded in meaning no matter which way you look at it. For of all the combination of words possible in a language that still makes sense, there are few ways, confirmative or confutative, to answer without speaking gibberish:
No, but I've been checking out this guy. He's cute.
Yes, you know him already.
¿Qué hay de nuevo, señor?
I wonder sometimes why I have chosen to come out to one person today. I felt it was time. Have you ever woken up one day, after so many years of struggle, and finally realized that it simply was time. Like forgiveness, an act of disclosure is not something to be taken without much serious thought. And like forgiveness, people just wake up and forgive, even though it might have been yesterday that they were still hating the person who had betrayed.
I had planned to do this last week, but circumstances delayed it. Finally, I told her today. At first, she didn't reply in a manner that I expected.
Now, whatever my circumstances may arise, my duty's here to stay.
Oh, I'm sorry, for being so vague.
I was just saying that, even as I was telling her. A great weight was not lifted off from my chest. Instead, it was replaced by another no less heavier rock, but more charred, like Atlas, his pancake-earth carried.
I was staring with surmounting gloom, the [insert fancy word here] of facing every single meeting with having to explain that I am not in any relationship with the opposite sex that they might be thinking of. Someday, I will have to explain when they ask this question of me, "So are you dating anyone?"
Whether in sign or in speech, whether in English or the ancient language of the Aztecs people, I must reply with a sentence so loaded in meaning no matter which way you look at it. For of all the combination of words possible in a language that still makes sense, there are few ways, confirmative or confutative, to answer without speaking gibberish:
No, but I've been checking out this guy. He's cute.
Yes, you know him already.
¿Qué hay de nuevo, señor?
An indecision on Bush
Complemented with a diary entry
You know what? I think I'll support Bush on his space program after all. I'm a flip-flopper, that's what I do. That's why I want to be a swing voter. I'm not sure how much he'll reform NASA, but I know for a fact that things never change. So, however much America breaks its bank, I'll follow where the President leads.
I have done another thing that was in my New Year's Resolutions. I came out to one of my friend. Of course, my choice might seem eccentric because she is old enough to be anyone's mother. She herself said that. And yet, she has leftist tendency, and for this, I told her that I am gay.
I signed to her, of course, so I didn't say anything to her. I didn't have to, because sign language showed it. I tried to use the formal sign for 'gay' but she could not understand because I think I might have signed it wrong. So I decided to fingerspell each letter: 'g' 'a' 'y'
She looked at me in surprise and signed: "I'm not."
"I know already."
"Well, I think it's okay. When did you know?"
"Oh, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, around that time." The answer is more complicated that one might assume, especially over the fact of a difference in sexuality.
"I heard that people knew they're gay when they're young. I think they're born that way. I'm glad you told me."
"Oh, I agree."
I sagged my head a little. It was a little more than I could bear.
"Did you know that the ASL professor is gay, too?"
I looked at her, feigning surprise. The truth was that that was never far from my mind. After all, he has told the class about his life, from when and where he was born, to where he lived of what age. Never once, in all his story-telling, I noticed, did he talk about meeting his wife or having a girlfriend. So I just suspected that he might be, but I just left it alone. It is not a matter about which people can talk freely.
She continued, "I'm waiting for him to tell me, but I can understand the privacy of that matter. But you know the other ASL professor? She told me, and she knew. You know Ang? her deaf friend told her and she told me.
As she had to leave for class, which I preplanned, we part ways. I made sure that right when she was about to leave, I would let her know. Not before, not before, because I knew that I would be too much in turmoil of my mind and my heart to be able to continue signing.
And so it was. My stomach felt queasy for a while. And my hands were tingling with the blood that slowed. I drove home, my classes finished for the day.
I thought, What have I done? What did I do so irrevocably? I somehow surmised that such a powerful force of feeling would finally kindle an attraction to women. Nothing came. But I could not think of sex now.
It was a small thing, I reasoned. But still, things large and small have a way of showing the larger consequences not foreseeable.
Who knows, this might be the thing that caused a hurricane. Or if that was a bad thing, I might have averted it. I shall soon see what she does in the future. How has our relationship changed now that she knows this singular fact about me?
Complemented with a diary entry
You know what? I think I'll support Bush on his space program after all. I'm a flip-flopper, that's what I do. That's why I want to be a swing voter. I'm not sure how much he'll reform NASA, but I know for a fact that things never change. So, however much America breaks its bank, I'll follow where the President leads.
I have done another thing that was in my New Year's Resolutions. I came out to one of my friend. Of course, my choice might seem eccentric because she is old enough to be anyone's mother. She herself said that. And yet, she has leftist tendency, and for this, I told her that I am gay.
I signed to her, of course, so I didn't say anything to her. I didn't have to, because sign language showed it. I tried to use the formal sign for 'gay' but she could not understand because I think I might have signed it wrong. So I decided to fingerspell each letter: 'g' 'a' 'y'
She looked at me in surprise and signed: "I'm not."
"I know already."
"Well, I think it's okay. When did you know?"
"Oh, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, around that time." The answer is more complicated that one might assume, especially over the fact of a difference in sexuality.
"I heard that people knew they're gay when they're young. I think they're born that way. I'm glad you told me."
"Oh, I agree."
I sagged my head a little. It was a little more than I could bear.
"Did you know that the ASL professor is gay, too?"
I looked at her, feigning surprise. The truth was that that was never far from my mind. After all, he has told the class about his life, from when and where he was born, to where he lived of what age. Never once, in all his story-telling, I noticed, did he talk about meeting his wife or having a girlfriend. So I just suspected that he might be, but I just left it alone. It is not a matter about which people can talk freely.
She continued, "I'm waiting for him to tell me, but I can understand the privacy of that matter. But you know the other ASL professor? She told me, and she knew. You know Ang? her deaf friend told her and she told me.
As she had to leave for class, which I preplanned, we part ways. I made sure that right when she was about to leave, I would let her know. Not before, not before, because I knew that I would be too much in turmoil of my mind and my heart to be able to continue signing.
And so it was. My stomach felt queasy for a while. And my hands were tingling with the blood that slowed. I drove home, my classes finished for the day.
I thought, What have I done? What did I do so irrevocably? I somehow surmised that such a powerful force of feeling would finally kindle an attraction to women. Nothing came. But I could not think of sex now.
It was a small thing, I reasoned. But still, things large and small have a way of showing the larger consequences not foreseeable.
Who knows, this might be the thing that caused a hurricane. Or if that was a bad thing, I might have averted it. I shall soon see what she does in the future. How has our relationship changed now that she knows this singular fact about me?
20040114
HoustonChronicle.com - Bush aims for `worlds beyond our own'
Will you just not talk about it? I thought you were conservative, doesn't sending a man to Mars seem a waste of tax dollars and human beings?
Will you just not talk about it? I thought you were conservative, doesn't sending a man to Mars seem a waste of tax dollars and human beings?
20040111
On first reading
I've been reading Chinua Achebe's ethnographic novel Things Fall Apart for an Anthropology class I'm taking, and uniquely among most books I've (tried) to read, it--the book--has a very interesting beginning. I've always been terrified of reading novels because I don't have any idea what's going on in the first few pages. It's always so florid, like you're waiting for the story to begin.
So this book has definitely gotten my attention. Unfortunately, it's not easy for me to suggest a way to carry this kind of attention-grabbing-thing to all other books so that I can read them as well. That's because what interested me was not the story, but the fact that there is this culture so distinctly different from the one I am growing up in. Here is a tribe, Umuofia, who has dealt in warfare that has trapped it into hatred of other tribes and races, and it is not likely to change. Naturally, that's not the plot of the story, but it in itself was interesting enough to encourage me to read.
When I got Book 3 of the Harry Potter Series, I had to struggle to get through the first twenty pages about how evil Harry's aunt, uncle, and cousin are to him. I even put the book away because I could bear to read and feel frothing vilification to his family. I couldn't understand why such a family exists. It made no sense. It still makes no sense, but after I got through the twenty pages, the interesting stuff started. Like Harry's magical ability and the history of wizards!
It's fascinating to see what I am interested in. Not in real life, but in fantasy. Shakespeare, Orwell, Tolkiens, and Rowling all share one thing in common, they talk of a whimsical time.
It's possible that I'm not exposed enough to literature, so I can't judge. But seriously, what I have read and what I like do say a lot about me as a person. Sure, sure, I haven't read any books like Great Expectations, the Christmas Carols, or even Shakespeare's Comedy of Errors and Winter's Tale, or works by Dostoevsky, but I've read about them. I've often found explications of the story more illuminating than the story itself, to my ambivalence.
Even though I've not read these works, and I would like (though I am not particularly wanting) to read them someday in my spare time, but I realized that not everybody is intellectual! I'd say the average person hasn't read any of these works, which probably belong to a more elite class. And I'm an average person, therefore not of the elite.
I've been reading Chinua Achebe's ethnographic novel Things Fall Apart for an Anthropology class I'm taking, and uniquely among most books I've (tried) to read, it--the book--has a very interesting beginning. I've always been terrified of reading novels because I don't have any idea what's going on in the first few pages. It's always so florid, like you're waiting for the story to begin.
So this book has definitely gotten my attention. Unfortunately, it's not easy for me to suggest a way to carry this kind of attention-grabbing-thing to all other books so that I can read them as well. That's because what interested me was not the story, but the fact that there is this culture so distinctly different from the one I am growing up in. Here is a tribe, Umuofia, who has dealt in warfare that has trapped it into hatred of other tribes and races, and it is not likely to change. Naturally, that's not the plot of the story, but it in itself was interesting enough to encourage me to read.
When I got Book 3 of the Harry Potter Series, I had to struggle to get through the first twenty pages about how evil Harry's aunt, uncle, and cousin are to him. I even put the book away because I could bear to read and feel frothing vilification to his family. I couldn't understand why such a family exists. It made no sense. It still makes no sense, but after I got through the twenty pages, the interesting stuff started. Like Harry's magical ability and the history of wizards!
It's fascinating to see what I am interested in. Not in real life, but in fantasy. Shakespeare, Orwell, Tolkiens, and Rowling all share one thing in common, they talk of a whimsical time.
It's possible that I'm not exposed enough to literature, so I can't judge. But seriously, what I have read and what I like do say a lot about me as a person. Sure, sure, I haven't read any books like Great Expectations, the Christmas Carols, or even Shakespeare's Comedy of Errors and Winter's Tale, or works by Dostoevsky, but I've read about them. I've often found explications of the story more illuminating than the story itself, to my ambivalence.
Even though I've not read these works, and I would like (though I am not particularly wanting) to read them someday in my spare time, but I realized that not everybody is intellectual! I'd say the average person hasn't read any of these works, which probably belong to a more elite class. And I'm an average person, therefore not of the elite.
It's easy: Just stop spending
The nation as a whole is pretty tired of outer space. Sure, the Mars Rover might have instilled some inspiration in some individuals, but it cannot erase the fact that outer space is too dangerous to send people in. Any mission to the moon or Mars must wait until at the very least you have cut down all the deficits that you are raising for the sake of tax cuts. Just stop spending.
I speak from someone who loved Star Trek (during the The Next Generation era, I haven't watched the original series because I don't have (!) cable). I would love to see outer space, but not at the expense of our nation as a whole. What you are attempting to do is something that will not resonate with the majority of American voters at all! At the very least it does not resonate with me!
Naturally, I should not forget that you have the capability of confounding the expecations of the American populace, including the Democrats by being successful in the political game. So I know your speech, which I haven't even heard yet, would probably contain very inspiring words about outer space ever written by your speechwriter or by you.
So I'll see how it goes. Who knows, I may like it. It's just that, I thought government should be made smaller, not larger; more efficient, not clumsy with bureaucrats.
The nation as a whole is pretty tired of outer space. Sure, the Mars Rover might have instilled some inspiration in some individuals, but it cannot erase the fact that outer space is too dangerous to send people in. Any mission to the moon or Mars must wait until at the very least you have cut down all the deficits that you are raising for the sake of tax cuts. Just stop spending.
I speak from someone who loved Star Trek (during the The Next Generation era, I haven't watched the original series because I don't have (!) cable). I would love to see outer space, but not at the expense of our nation as a whole. What you are attempting to do is something that will not resonate with the majority of American voters at all! At the very least it does not resonate with me!
Naturally, I should not forget that you have the capability of confounding the expecations of the American populace, including the Democrats by being successful in the political game. So I know your speech, which I haven't even heard yet, would probably contain very inspiring words about outer space ever written by your speechwriter or by you.
So I'll see how it goes. Who knows, I may like it. It's just that, I thought government should be made smaller, not larger; more efficient, not clumsy with bureaucrats.
A Disbelief in my Capacity
I cannot believe that last quarter, I took 21 units and still survive with non-failing grades. My Communication class is A-, English is B, and Biology is B-. The rest, Spanish and Sign Language, I took as credit/no-credit. Unfortunately, I happen to have done extraordinarily well in both of these classes. I probably would have scrounged an A- in Spanish, but Sign Language, I definitely got A. If only I could see it in the transcript . . . [voice breaking]. My GPA would be higher . . .
Whatever.
What I wanted to say was that I've been cleaning up my stuff, and I came across a picture that I drew years ago, maybe two years. I'm not sure. I plan to post it here.
I cannot believe that last quarter, I took 21 units and still survive with non-failing grades. My Communication class is A-, English is B, and Biology is B-. The rest, Spanish and Sign Language, I took as credit/no-credit. Unfortunately, I happen to have done extraordinarily well in both of these classes. I probably would have scrounged an A- in Spanish, but Sign Language, I definitely got A. If only I could see it in the transcript . . . [voice breaking]. My GPA would be higher . . .
Whatever.
What I wanted to say was that I've been cleaning up my stuff, and I came across a picture that I drew years ago, maybe two years. I'm not sure. I plan to post it here.
