20040123
The Heart of this World
I finally beat Kingdom Hearts, and I think I got the secret ending, though it didn't seem like much. It's unfortunate that the Squaresoft Company didn't subtitle the ending sequence, and I can't even read the lips of those characters. From what I could see, it's visually depressing. Kairi and Sora and Riku, separated for an indefinite time.
Isn't Howard Dean great!? He's definitely memorized the order in which he's supposed to campaign after the loss. I heard about Dean's antics, but I couldn't find a transcript of it so I could read where it was that he got "overly enthusiastic" in his post-Iowa loss rally. Anyway, I could find some articles that copied the point that he was very passionate about winning the presidency. Yar! Yar! We're going to New Hampshire, Arizona, and so forth!
At this point, I definitely love his antic disposition, because it's so unlike what we'd expect from any high ranking people. I'd love to vote for him, whether or not he could beat Bush. I feel like those voters who can't decide between candidates not because they can't decide between which candidates they're taken with, but because they can't decide which candidate can beat Bush. In other words, they can't decide whether to vote with their hearts, or with their heads.
I finally beat Kingdom Hearts, and I think I got the secret ending, though it didn't seem like much. It's unfortunate that the Squaresoft Company didn't subtitle the ending sequence, and I can't even read the lips of those characters. From what I could see, it's visually depressing. Kairi and Sora and Riku, separated for an indefinite time.
Isn't Howard Dean great!? He's definitely memorized the order in which he's supposed to campaign after the loss. I heard about Dean's antics, but I couldn't find a transcript of it so I could read where it was that he got "overly enthusiastic" in his post-Iowa loss rally. Anyway, I could find some articles that copied the point that he was very passionate about winning the presidency. Yar! Yar! We're going to New Hampshire, Arizona, and so forth!
At this point, I definitely love his antic disposition, because it's so unlike what we'd expect from any high ranking people. I'd love to vote for him, whether or not he could beat Bush. I feel like those voters who can't decide between candidates not because they can't decide between which candidates they're taken with, but because they can't decide which candidate can beat Bush. In other words, they can't decide whether to vote with their hearts, or with their heads.
20040121
On Dean and the State of the Union Speech
After learning about Howard Dean's loss in Iowa, I was rather surprised. I didn't really pay attention to the news because I was focused on my schoolwork. However, I did hear that Dean had been slipping in the news.
What I said to myself was, "Well, that's good. We can now see how Dean's going to react. Is he capable, like Clinton was, of becoming another "Comeback Kid"? If he is not, then he is simply not experienced in the ways of politics to win. So the next few weeks of state Democratic nominations should prove one of the few events to watch closely. I, on the other hands, would love to know how that Spirit Rover is doing.
That sad thing would be that I actually supported him for being a "unique" candidate. It's a shame that John Kerry won, even though I'm not sure I enjoy his appearance. He looks tired, his drooping eyes make him unappealing, actually. Since I had never paid attention to him, I do not know who this senator from Congress is.
Bush's State of the Union Speech was very interesting! It's the first time I ever really paid attention to most of the speech of any Presidents elected.
So apparently he has stated a possible support for the constitutional amendment for banning anything that does not preserve the values of family, i.e. gay marriage. I should not have brought it up first, over the other things that he had proposed, such as making the tax cuts permanent, etc.
After mulling over what the political editors have wrote regarding the speech, I would say that Bush has really improved over the year.
Not improved in intelligence or saving the environment, gosh, no, but improved in politics. Before, he was rather clumsy, but now, he's learned to be quick on his feet. His years of living at the White House and fending off attacks have hardened him to the point where I respect and fear him.
While it might be nice to depend on a strong leader for guiding us, and inasmuch as I wish that he would be the protector of the environment that he says he is, I do not need to depend on him. I do my own way, recycle what I can, preserve what I will. So are the companies like Toyota and Honda, devoted toward the development of the hybrid and hydrogen-fueled cars like none others.
This is a cephalous society of course, so all the world regard our Bush the representative American. If that is their view, it would be a shame that they cannot look past their own ignorance, and see the diversity that makes United States. Remember, after all, that 500,000 more Americans have voted for Gore than Bush. But we keep our electoral system because it is a cute, eccentric system for a large country as ours.
After learning about Howard Dean's loss in Iowa, I was rather surprised. I didn't really pay attention to the news because I was focused on my schoolwork. However, I did hear that Dean had been slipping in the news.
What I said to myself was, "Well, that's good. We can now see how Dean's going to react. Is he capable, like Clinton was, of becoming another "Comeback Kid"? If he is not, then he is simply not experienced in the ways of politics to win. So the next few weeks of state Democratic nominations should prove one of the few events to watch closely. I, on the other hands, would love to know how that Spirit Rover is doing.
That sad thing would be that I actually supported him for being a "unique" candidate. It's a shame that John Kerry won, even though I'm not sure I enjoy his appearance. He looks tired, his drooping eyes make him unappealing, actually. Since I had never paid attention to him, I do not know who this senator from Congress is.
Bush's State of the Union Speech was very interesting! It's the first time I ever really paid attention to most of the speech of any Presidents elected.
So apparently he has stated a possible support for the constitutional amendment for banning anything that does not preserve the values of family, i.e. gay marriage. I should not have brought it up first, over the other things that he had proposed, such as making the tax cuts permanent, etc.
After mulling over what the political editors have wrote regarding the speech, I would say that Bush has really improved over the year.
Not improved in intelligence or saving the environment, gosh, no, but improved in politics. Before, he was rather clumsy, but now, he's learned to be quick on his feet. His years of living at the White House and fending off attacks have hardened him to the point where I respect and fear him.
While it might be nice to depend on a strong leader for guiding us, and inasmuch as I wish that he would be the protector of the environment that he says he is, I do not need to depend on him. I do my own way, recycle what I can, preserve what I will. So are the companies like Toyota and Honda, devoted toward the development of the hybrid and hydrogen-fueled cars like none others.
This is a cephalous society of course, so all the world regard our Bush the representative American. If that is their view, it would be a shame that they cannot look past their own ignorance, and see the diversity that makes United States. Remember, after all, that 500,000 more Americans have voted for Gore than Bush. But we keep our electoral system because it is a cute, eccentric system for a large country as ours.
20040120
Something About Me
(117 KB)
Hey, I've managed to scan my drawing and put it on the web. Note, any similarities to other characters are entirely fictitious and unintentional.
However, I did employ something from George Orwell's 1984. Remember that passage near the end of the book where O'Brien finally declared intellectual victory over Winston? I copied from that!
Here's what the picture say if you can't read my handwriting. It was from two years ago, but I wanted to post it because I promised to do so, to show what I was like years ago. I might have been 17 or 18 at the time. :-)
Lucifer is saying: "I hate you God! You made us sentient and yet you demand conformity to your idea of order, and normality. Why implant a desire in me to rebel if you are going to punish me? I damn you, damn you, answer me."
To which God replies: "What I will, it is not that thou must. What I will, it is not that thou shalt. What I will, it is that thou already art."
Yes, the coloring is a bit of a mess of magenta, fuschia, cyan, and red. With some dash of purple, blue, and yellow. I think I also had white, but of course, that can't be seen.
Anyway, I'm actually not sure, or I don't remember, if I intended this to be a railing against God for making me gay.
I think it is more that I was simply showing contradictions within God, because how can all that is Good come from Him has something within it that is Evil? How can God, a Perfect Being, think it benevolence to infuse in us the capacity to reason so that we may love the beauty of the world and so forth? And at the same time, we have this tendency or desire to do the things that are not good?
In a sense, I might have been asking: If to sin against God invites eternal punishment, and same-sex attraction is a sin, then I have invited unto my soul an eternal punishment that cannot be rescinded.
What is the purpose, so Calvinistic, for God has decided to pre-ordain some group of individuals for punishment, and other groups for salvation?
Are we, the gays and lesbians, simply unknowing demons of temptation to test not ourselves, but others (the straight population), to see whether others are going to accept us? For it might be that if the others accept us, God will punish them for following the Devil. Is it that we, having already been punished, hold within ourselves and our souls a close-mindedness to be open to the love of God and Jesus Christ, and we are only puppets for them?
Why does God make us all so different that we cannot agree, that we cannot follow God with the same loyalty, same adherence, same interpretation and there be no conflict at all?
I understand that we are being punished for the sins of Adam and Eve. They ate the forbidden fruit. But what was the snake doing there to tempt Eve?
Even then, why did Lucifer have within himself a lust for power that he rebelled against the kingdom of omnipotent God and cast down to Hell?
Indeed, God Himself, is rather human. Or if not human, He is ambiguous and unknowable, and thus, uninterpretable. There are no words ever written by Him, only by His followers, who might or might not have dementia.
There's also Jesus Christ, but I'll talk about Him another time. Note, for those who are reading this, don't take me for an expert on this particular class of theology. My words are simply my perception now; my perception, through which all filtered words to me does flow.
(117 KB)Hey, I've managed to scan my drawing and put it on the web. Note, any similarities to other characters are entirely fictitious and unintentional.
However, I did employ something from George Orwell's 1984. Remember that passage near the end of the book where O'Brien finally declared intellectual victory over Winston? I copied from that!
Here's what the picture say if you can't read my handwriting. It was from two years ago, but I wanted to post it because I promised to do so, to show what I was like years ago. I might have been 17 or 18 at the time. :-)
Lucifer is saying: "I hate you God! You made us sentient and yet you demand conformity to your idea of order, and normality. Why implant a desire in me to rebel if you are going to punish me? I damn you, damn you, answer me."
To which God replies: "What I will, it is not that thou must. What I will, it is not that thou shalt. What I will, it is that thou already art."
Yes, the coloring is a bit of a mess of magenta, fuschia, cyan, and red. With some dash of purple, blue, and yellow. I think I also had white, but of course, that can't be seen.
Anyway, I'm actually not sure, or I don't remember, if I intended this to be a railing against God for making me gay.
I think it is more that I was simply showing contradictions within God, because how can all that is Good come from Him has something within it that is Evil? How can God, a Perfect Being, think it benevolence to infuse in us the capacity to reason so that we may love the beauty of the world and so forth? And at the same time, we have this tendency or desire to do the things that are not good?
In a sense, I might have been asking: If to sin against God invites eternal punishment, and same-sex attraction is a sin, then I have invited unto my soul an eternal punishment that cannot be rescinded.
What is the purpose, so Calvinistic, for God has decided to pre-ordain some group of individuals for punishment, and other groups for salvation?
Are we, the gays and lesbians, simply unknowing demons of temptation to test not ourselves, but others (the straight population), to see whether others are going to accept us? For it might be that if the others accept us, God will punish them for following the Devil. Is it that we, having already been punished, hold within ourselves and our souls a close-mindedness to be open to the love of God and Jesus Christ, and we are only puppets for them?
Why does God make us all so different that we cannot agree, that we cannot follow God with the same loyalty, same adherence, same interpretation and there be no conflict at all?
I understand that we are being punished for the sins of Adam and Eve. They ate the forbidden fruit. But what was the snake doing there to tempt Eve?
Even then, why did Lucifer have within himself a lust for power that he rebelled against the kingdom of omnipotent God and cast down to Hell?
Indeed, God Himself, is rather human. Or if not human, He is ambiguous and unknowable, and thus, uninterpretable. There are no words ever written by Him, only by His followers, who might or might not have dementia.
There's also Jesus Christ, but I'll talk about Him another time. Note, for those who are reading this, don't take me for an expert on this particular class of theology. My words are simply my perception now; my perception, through which all filtered words to me does flow.
20040119
Weight problem: being underweight
It seems strange to me, but I am slightly underweight. As someone who is 5'7" (170 cm), I weigh only 115 lbs. (52 kg). This means essentially that I have a weight problem opposite of what many Americans (the one in the United States) are experiencing. Where they experience obesity, I am as skinny as an ferret.
Of course, my weight is only at the upper end of the underweight scale. There were some overlap in my weight region of underweight-normal.
So I need to eat more, but I'm terribly afraid of getting a little lubber in my belly. I'm just thinking of that day when my body's metabolism will suddenly slow down and I can't eat as much as I would like to stop from gaining weight. That day hasn't come yet, I'm too young (19) for that. But I will be old soon.
For now, I will attempt to gain muscle by partaking in some strenuous activity to gain muscle mass. First I must be fit, then I must be strong.
Fitness includes
1. being flexible enough to reach my toes when my knees are straighten. I currently can't do that. I also want to be able to do those cool yoga moves.
2. being agile enough to react to circumstances. I doubt I have any agility to start running from a standing position in one second flat. The natural thing for me to do first would have been to think first, such as whether I really want to engage in such activity, and whether there's any benefits in doing so. And since I think slowly, in a race, someone would have been a far dash from me before I could even begin.
3. being quick of mind. This includes wits as well as calculation. I want to have the ability to speak with such an articulate tongue that I can charm anyone and prostrate themselves to march for me. And then, I want to have the ability to think quickly, make calculations in a spontaneous moment of ways to win.
4. be able to run. I need to have an endurance training, where I can run for fifteen minutes without stopping.
5. drink more water. This is a great problem that I have. I can't bear to drink 8 glasses of water (2.3 liters) a day, and I should make myself bear it. My body needs water to run like a lubricate machine. The only trouble is that I urinate too often, so I know that the problem is not that I drink too much, but that my body is not making use of the excess water efficiently.
to be strong:
6. I basically need weight training. But I've always been nervous about the gym. As I would say to myself sometimes, "Suck it up!"
It seems strange to me, but I am slightly underweight. As someone who is 5'7" (170 cm), I weigh only 115 lbs. (52 kg). This means essentially that I have a weight problem opposite of what many Americans (the one in the United States) are experiencing. Where they experience obesity, I am as skinny as an ferret.
Of course, my weight is only at the upper end of the underweight scale. There were some overlap in my weight region of underweight-normal.
So I need to eat more, but I'm terribly afraid of getting a little lubber in my belly. I'm just thinking of that day when my body's metabolism will suddenly slow down and I can't eat as much as I would like to stop from gaining weight. That day hasn't come yet, I'm too young (19) for that. But I will be old soon.
For now, I will attempt to gain muscle by partaking in some strenuous activity to gain muscle mass. First I must be fit, then I must be strong.
Fitness includes
1. being flexible enough to reach my toes when my knees are straighten. I currently can't do that. I also want to be able to do those cool yoga moves.
2. being agile enough to react to circumstances. I doubt I have any agility to start running from a standing position in one second flat. The natural thing for me to do first would have been to think first, such as whether I really want to engage in such activity, and whether there's any benefits in doing so. And since I think slowly, in a race, someone would have been a far dash from me before I could even begin.
3. being quick of mind. This includes wits as well as calculation. I want to have the ability to speak with such an articulate tongue that I can charm anyone and prostrate themselves to march for me. And then, I want to have the ability to think quickly, make calculations in a spontaneous moment of ways to win.
4. be able to run. I need to have an endurance training, where I can run for fifteen minutes without stopping.
5. drink more water. This is a great problem that I have. I can't bear to drink 8 glasses of water (2.3 liters) a day, and I should make myself bear it. My body needs water to run like a lubricate machine. The only trouble is that I urinate too often, so I know that the problem is not that I drink too much, but that my body is not making use of the excess water efficiently.
to be strong:
6. I basically need weight training. But I've always been nervous about the gym. As I would say to myself sometimes, "Suck it up!"
20040118
A Preparation for Chinese New Year
And a Remembrance of a Bitter Memory
I and my parents were looking around in Oakland and San Francisco yesterday--to go shopping for the Chinese New Year, which will happen in January 22nd. It's a celebration that will last two weeks. Each day of the fourteen days has a theme, but we don't necessarily follow the Chinese traditions on the holiday very thoroughly. The celebration ultimately culminates in a parade of grandeur on the fifteenth day.
Anyway, when we were in Oakland and my mom was purchasing some Chinese New Year food, I was hit by a bad memory that I hadn't had for a long time. Why it hits me at that moment I don't know.
I'll describe the memory and then, what triggered it:
It was senior year of my high school, and I was sufficiently ebullient at the time because we were going to practice our graduation ceremony. There was going to be a discussion of the graduation. My memory isn't imbued with my details, but I remembered that day for what that evil, malicious thug did to me. I'm not sure if I've already written about this in the blog, but I haven't forgiven him no matter what.
On this particular day, I was assigned the duty of passing out yearbooks for people who have already purchased their own. Performing my usual duty, I enjoyed being the individual I envied, the important distributer. I always enjoyed being the server, I guess, in effect, being needed. So I calmly did my duty to the best extent that I can.
Carlos Montez, the pathetic bully, decided to pull off a simple ploy that humiliated my prized possession, the vigilance that I had of being ever watchful, ever careful with my possessions or that which I was given the duty of supervising.
He came up to the windows, the place where the people normally distributed the yearbooks. And he chose mine as the perfect target. I was alone in this room. All others had gone out of the room for that moment.
As I usually do, I had my yearbook to the side of the windowsill, on a table. I expected him to give me a ticket indicating that he had purchased one. Immediately, he preyed upon the fact that I could not hear and seemingly directed me to seek someone else to talk to him for me. I could barely understand what he said, perhaps an intentional fabrication. He said to leave the yearbook there while directing me to the other direction. I knew not to what he pointed, but I proceeded onward to ask an acquaintance for help.
I heard a bang, out of the corner of my eyes, I believed to my horror what I saw. He ran away, and I could do nothing--my body frozen as it were--to stop him.
I did not cry. It is not in my nature. But I glared with the reddest eyes of the most heartless monster at him, willing whatever God exists to burn him and his soul before he ran away.
Countless times have I dreamt of how I could have reacted, could have prevented him from making way with his worthless possession. I could have jumped out the window and made a dashed at him. I could have caught up with him because he is a fat boy. He is overweight, he is obese. Not obese to the point that he cannot run, but he, like a football quarterback, is slow of movement. I could have, kung-fu style, beat him to bloody confusion, myself as well.
Two main things prevented such an action: I am out of shape and I know nothing of martial arts nor even of ways to bring down a man one and a half times my size.
Other things include the fact that I had no support. There was no one who could have seen me or corroborate my words. Though I have gone to my teacher and to a security guard, nothing was done, unfortunately. What justice is there in a warning? Was it not a Commandment of God that Thou Shalt Not Steal. Although I do not follow Christianity, many religions, and even the insanest (I believe) athiests would agree that thievery must be punished.
I was also fearful, because he likely has a gang of thugs waiting in the wings. Had I chased him, there is a possibility that I would have trapped myself in the roily-toily struggle against the worst-case scenario: getting a wedgie, having my hearing aids taken and thrown away, my glasses as well, my shirts, my pants, my dignity. Although murder would have been unlikely the harsh light of day, and anything involving me getting beaten up would have immediate repercussions, I was in too much of an intellectual calculations to do what must be done. After all, what short-term benefits might be got, would have long term consequences not easily foreseen.
Look at me now. Even though I might arrogantly consider myself the paragon of human reasoning. I am just a pathetic, deaf, Chinese, near-sighted, unfashionable, 19-year-old student at a university for which he has only mild liking who will be 20 in May, ranting about something that has happened more than a year ago, about something people will probably say I should get over and move on from.
I don't know. I suppose I should just leave it alone. But I know for a fact that if I simply leave it alone or avoid dwelling on it, what will happen is that one day, it will come back to haunt me again. My heart is even feeling heavy now. Who knows if that day will be when I am 40 years old, obese, and at that moment, I have a heart attack? So I must struggle with this. Maybe I will see that guy again, and when I do, maybe I will forgive him for what he did at that moment. Maybe I will just wake up and say, I accept that. I cannot forget the pain that he has caused me, because I consider what he did to be a true violation of what I am, of my self-esteem, of my entire being.
It is as if I define my worth by how many things I have not let be stolen. Perhaps this will be my undoing in the long run . . .
A year since then, what have I done? I have not done anything to prevent it from happening again should I be put in the similar situations.
I have not been inspired to learn any form of fightings, such as Judo, Karate, Tae Kwon Do, Kung Fu, etc. I have not trained myself to run for long distance. I have not learned to watch my belongings, and I'm not sure I have learned to make sure that any time a stranger comes up to me to buy something from me, that I am careful not to turn my eyes or my body away from his line of sight, and even then, to keep my body close to what that stranger values, so that if the worst comes to blow, I am ready to strike back. The reason I might not have learned is because I have not done anything like that again. I have not had the responsibility of selling things, as it was my last year of school. And the university has almost no events happening for which I could make myself useful.
If I learned Judo and running long ago, rather than be so entirely focused on learning, watching TV, and not doing anything else of sports, social support, etc., I could have just jumped out the window, run after him, and after catching up, subdue him with several firm and quick moves to bring him to the ground and take the yearbook from him.
I just remembered a scene from a movie, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. There was the girl whose comb was stolen by Lo, the leader of the Dark Cloud gang. And she had the gall to take a horse and proceed to chase after him for as long as possible to get her comb back.
Anyway, I just wasted a post ranting about a past, but I suppose that's the way it should be.
And a Remembrance of a Bitter Memory
I and my parents were looking around in Oakland and San Francisco yesterday--to go shopping for the Chinese New Year, which will happen in January 22nd. It's a celebration that will last two weeks. Each day of the fourteen days has a theme, but we don't necessarily follow the Chinese traditions on the holiday very thoroughly. The celebration ultimately culminates in a parade of grandeur on the fifteenth day.
Anyway, when we were in Oakland and my mom was purchasing some Chinese New Year food, I was hit by a bad memory that I hadn't had for a long time. Why it hits me at that moment I don't know.
I'll describe the memory and then, what triggered it:
It was senior year of my high school, and I was sufficiently ebullient at the time because we were going to practice our graduation ceremony. There was going to be a discussion of the graduation. My memory isn't imbued with my details, but I remembered that day for what that evil, malicious thug did to me. I'm not sure if I've already written about this in the blog, but I haven't forgiven him no matter what.
On this particular day, I was assigned the duty of passing out yearbooks for people who have already purchased their own. Performing my usual duty, I enjoyed being the individual I envied, the important distributer. I always enjoyed being the server, I guess, in effect, being needed. So I calmly did my duty to the best extent that I can.
Carlos Montez, the pathetic bully, decided to pull off a simple ploy that humiliated my prized possession, the vigilance that I had of being ever watchful, ever careful with my possessions or that which I was given the duty of supervising.
He came up to the windows, the place where the people normally distributed the yearbooks. And he chose mine as the perfect target. I was alone in this room. All others had gone out of the room for that moment.
As I usually do, I had my yearbook to the side of the windowsill, on a table. I expected him to give me a ticket indicating that he had purchased one. Immediately, he preyed upon the fact that I could not hear and seemingly directed me to seek someone else to talk to him for me. I could barely understand what he said, perhaps an intentional fabrication. He said to leave the yearbook there while directing me to the other direction. I knew not to what he pointed, but I proceeded onward to ask an acquaintance for help.
I heard a bang, out of the corner of my eyes, I believed to my horror what I saw. He ran away, and I could do nothing--my body frozen as it were--to stop him.
I did not cry. It is not in my nature. But I glared with the reddest eyes of the most heartless monster at him, willing whatever God exists to burn him and his soul before he ran away.
Countless times have I dreamt of how I could have reacted, could have prevented him from making way with his worthless possession. I could have jumped out the window and made a dashed at him. I could have caught up with him because he is a fat boy. He is overweight, he is obese. Not obese to the point that he cannot run, but he, like a football quarterback, is slow of movement. I could have, kung-fu style, beat him to bloody confusion, myself as well.
Two main things prevented such an action: I am out of shape and I know nothing of martial arts nor even of ways to bring down a man one and a half times my size.
Other things include the fact that I had no support. There was no one who could have seen me or corroborate my words. Though I have gone to my teacher and to a security guard, nothing was done, unfortunately. What justice is there in a warning? Was it not a Commandment of God that Thou Shalt Not Steal. Although I do not follow Christianity, many religions, and even the insanest (I believe) athiests would agree that thievery must be punished.
I was also fearful, because he likely has a gang of thugs waiting in the wings. Had I chased him, there is a possibility that I would have trapped myself in the roily-toily struggle against the worst-case scenario: getting a wedgie, having my hearing aids taken and thrown away, my glasses as well, my shirts, my pants, my dignity. Although murder would have been unlikely the harsh light of day, and anything involving me getting beaten up would have immediate repercussions, I was in too much of an intellectual calculations to do what must be done. After all, what short-term benefits might be got, would have long term consequences not easily foreseen.
Look at me now. Even though I might arrogantly consider myself the paragon of human reasoning. I am just a pathetic, deaf, Chinese, near-sighted, unfashionable, 19-year-old student at a university for which he has only mild liking who will be 20 in May, ranting about something that has happened more than a year ago, about something people will probably say I should get over and move on from.
I don't know. I suppose I should just leave it alone. But I know for a fact that if I simply leave it alone or avoid dwelling on it, what will happen is that one day, it will come back to haunt me again. My heart is even feeling heavy now. Who knows if that day will be when I am 40 years old, obese, and at that moment, I have a heart attack? So I must struggle with this. Maybe I will see that guy again, and when I do, maybe I will forgive him for what he did at that moment. Maybe I will just wake up and say, I accept that. I cannot forget the pain that he has caused me, because I consider what he did to be a true violation of what I am, of my self-esteem, of my entire being.
It is as if I define my worth by how many things I have not let be stolen. Perhaps this will be my undoing in the long run . . .
A year since then, what have I done? I have not done anything to prevent it from happening again should I be put in the similar situations.
I have not been inspired to learn any form of fightings, such as Judo, Karate, Tae Kwon Do, Kung Fu, etc. I have not trained myself to run for long distance. I have not learned to watch my belongings, and I'm not sure I have learned to make sure that any time a stranger comes up to me to buy something from me, that I am careful not to turn my eyes or my body away from his line of sight, and even then, to keep my body close to what that stranger values, so that if the worst comes to blow, I am ready to strike back. The reason I might not have learned is because I have not done anything like that again. I have not had the responsibility of selling things, as it was my last year of school. And the university has almost no events happening for which I could make myself useful.
If I learned Judo and running long ago, rather than be so entirely focused on learning, watching TV, and not doing anything else of sports, social support, etc., I could have just jumped out the window, run after him, and after catching up, subdue him with several firm and quick moves to bring him to the ground and take the yearbook from him.
I just remembered a scene from a movie, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. There was the girl whose comb was stolen by Lo, the leader of the Dark Cloud gang. And she had the gall to take a horse and proceed to chase after him for as long as possible to get her comb back.
Anyway, I just wasted a post ranting about a past, but I suppose that's the way it should be.
