Luminus Dormiens
Who am I? Chinese, Deaf, Gay. My alias is "Sleeping Light." This is my journal, where I shall bleed my damned heart out to the world.


Friday, January 17, 2003  

A poem about lust by a bard dead for 400 years, W.S.

The expense of spirit in a waste of shame,
Is lust in action, and till action, lust
Is perjured, murderous, bloody, full of blame
Savage, extreme, rude, cruel, not to trust.
Enjoyed no sooner, but despised straight
Past reason hunted, and no sooner had
Past reason hated, as a swallowed bait
On purpose laid to make the taker mad.
Mad in pursuit, and in possession so
Had having, and in quest to have, extreme;
A bliss in proof, and proved, a very woe.
Before, a joy proposed; behind, a dream.
All this the world well knows, yet none knows well
To shun the heaven that leads men to this hell.

posted by Alan | 9:46 AM
 

Haven't posted in a while.

so I did tell Mother about who I was. She didn't believe me. She asked me, "But how do you know?" As if I haven't had all the time from 12 to 18 to find out. When I was 12, I looked at gay porns, which are so easily found nowadays. Of course, I did feel guilty and full of shame. By the time I was 14, I knew who I was, but I prayed to God, jesus, whatever religious icons in existence, that I might be straightened out. When my doctor asks me about my sexual life, I didn't tell her anything, because I was so scared. I lived a celibate high school existence.

By 16, I accepted it more and more, but I'm not even embracing it. I'm trying to attend support groups, but I just can't bring myself to walk into the meeting and I prayed that nobody would notice me. But inside, I knew that I want to meet and be with a guy, showering him with all the romantic gifts, slightly changed to fit the grand occasion.

Now turning 19 in May, I'm depressed that I didn't go to a better college that was more liberal and more filled with hot boys. Oh, well. I'm gonna try transfer.

BTW, Happy New Year everyone.

posted by Alan | 9:43 AM


Friday, September 20, 2002  

25 If they be two, they are two so
26 As stiff twin compasses are two;
27 Thy soul, the fix'd foot, makes no show
28 To move, but doth, if the' other do.

29 And though it in the centre sit,
30 Yet when the other far doth roam,
31 It leans, and hearkens after it,
32 And grows erect, as that comes home.

33 Such wilt thou be to me, who must
34 Like th' other foot, obliquely run;
35 Thy firmness makes my circle just,
36 And makes me end, where I begun.
---John Donne "Valediction: A Forbidden Mourning"

posted by Alan | 11:30 AM


Thursday, September 12, 2002  

Hey! I'm teaching myself Latin with the book, Teach Yourself Beginner's Latin. Of course, it's just beginner's latin, but I wouldn't know what Latin really is. I really hope it didn't cut away any part that might help me learn Latin better. It's really inconsistent, however logical. The language is. The ending -ae for feminine nouns apparently mean both plural and the genitive case. In case you don't know, genitive means "of [something]." So we have silva, which means "the wood." To say silvae means to say either "the woods" or "of the wood." I guess you'd have to figure out from the context of the sentence the meaning of silvae.

If I succeed in learning Latin, I'm going to compose a poem!!! Wish me luck.

posted by Alan | 10:10 AM


Wednesday, September 04, 2002  

Come, my friend, just be my love.
I, a boy, and you, a boy as well
Should consummate without move
And bring heaven down to hell.
Still then, though, not to dwell
On fickle joy, but to rove
Far from the self-appoint shell,
Freely, fleetingly as should a dove.

posted by Alan | 2:16 PM


Monday, April 01, 2002  

He, Alex, stood at the hilly precipice, looking on. I, with a remote in my hand, sat two feet below. He gazed lamely at the airplane that was flying. Shirtless, and with a shorts, he stood barefoot on a rock. I, nearby, could feel his body heat near me. While I had to keep track of flying the airplane, I glanced at his legs, only a feet away. It was lightly covered with brown hair that reflected off the sunlight.

"Watch out!" He cried. The plane nearly hit the ground, but I manage to pull it up. As soon as it was in the air again, I tried another passing glance, this time, focusing my gaze on under his shorts. I imagined that he did not have underwear on.

"No." He said. He climbed down quickly and I stood up. Presently he went behind me and put his hands over mine in an effort to control the remote. "Don't let the plane go up too much, or it'll stall."

It was hot, but still, I enjoy the body heat that he gave off. I said, "Yeah, I got it."

"You sure?" He let go of the remote, I was almost disappointed.

"Maybe not." Then he took the remote from me, and moved away to land the plane himself. What a plane fanatic, I thought. He hope to be a pilot someday.

posted by Alan | 11:23 AM


Sunday, March 10, 2002  

I'm sad. Depressed, actually.

I don't feel like "bleeding my heart out to the world" now. Maybe I'll tell you later. I'm worried. He's straight, very accepting and hugs nearly everyone in sight, but especially the girls. He loves hugging girls and being hugged by girls. Boys, he hugs but I know it's out of obligations to be open-minded. I notice that it's usually the other guys that want a hug, though they claim they're straight. He never hugs them except to make fun, especially if the other guy's resisting.

Damn him, despite your fault and indecency. Unable to pick up my heart-strung hints.
You stand there, smiling, with your almost perfect set of teeth, and I in braces.
Your hat, your sweatshirt, your orange T-shirt, you red jacket. Most colorful garments.
Damn you, Firmino.
For little had I of you, more want I.
Oppressively bound to such a lie!
Soft hunger grown more by that which it does feed.

posted by Alan | 11:40 PM


Saturday, March 02, 2002  

When I consider everything that grows
Hold in perfection but a little moment
That this huge stage presenteth nought but showsWhereon the stars in secret influence comment . . .
--William Shakespeare--

Well, he has been nibbling on my neck for a while, but nobody is around. I'm sitting on my bed and he is kneeling on the floor, trying to push me down. I'm resisting. We are at the hotel room, still on the trip to Lake Tahoe.

We just kissed, but I managed to avoid having sex. With his previous "active" life and consideration of my own value, I did not want to risk destroying my potential to govern the world--what little of it, anyway.

He groaned, "But I want some."

"Me, too." He start advancing, "but, I will not."

"Do you really intend to be a virgin? Let's have sex." He took off his shirt. I looked away, the temptation . . .

To be continued.

posted by Alan | 9:27 AM
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