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"Let the bird of loudest lay,
On the sole Arabian tree,
Herald sad and trumpet be,
To whose sound chaste wings obey."
---William Shakespeare
In the process of updating and slimming down . . .
On May 29th, 1984, I came to light.
The doctors thought I was average; but when they checked me again at five, they discovered that I was deaf, but bright. I was fitted with a pair of hearing aids. My mom recounted how happy I was to be getting this fifth sense that I didn't have for so long. I could hear! I could hear the cars, music, the refrigerator, the water from the faucet! Still, I was embarrased to be wearing an ugly contraption on both of my ears.
My parents divorced while I was around 7. I never see my father again until I was 18. My mother dated and married. I called my new step-father my dad. I was not comfortable giving him that title, but only to please my aunt. Through my mother's stories, I developed a hatred for my father.
In Monroe, I had a speech therapist that was not available at Chinese Christian School. That was why I transferred, so I could learn English better.
I tried once to come out to Mother. I said, "I'm gay." I didn't
say, "I think I'm gay." I am certain of my sexuality, but I was ashamed to be
a disappointment. As an only child, I felt a burden of having to carry on the familial line.
She did not believe that I was gay. She thought I was simply in a phase, attributing
the phase to confusing TV messages, or to late puberty. I had a normal puberty.
So Mom dissected me
by saying that I didn't know anything! She is afraid that if I think too much about being gay,
I will become gay.
I am gay; I like boys more than girls. No matter how much a girl might be better for me,
please understand that I have no sexual desire for her, a prerequisite for happiness.
She was the first person I came out to.
No, I have never heard of "gay" before. I remember times when my mom said that sometimes I act like a girl in the way I sashay around the room. At one point, I painted my fingernails because to copy a female friend of mine, in preschool! I was embarrassed when I realized that boys don't paint their fingernails. I also remembered that at a music class, people laughed when they sang the word "gay" from "Kookaburra" bird song.
I did know that I was somehow different. I blamed it mostly on my hearing loss. I blamed it for a lack of interests in sports, I blamed it for not hanging out with the boys instead of the girls.
I haven't been in any relationship. When one thinks about it, it's a tough life. When I tell people online that I'm deaf, I get ignored. Are human males so shallow? It is precisely this reason that I am never trying to look for anything on the Internet again. The important thing for me is to meet people one on one, because the Internet has too many people looking for the same hot thing, and I'm not a hot thing.
Yes, but it was an unhappy crush.
One thing was sure; I didn't understand whatever he said.
[update: I have told him that I was gay and that I had a crush on him (not at the same time).
He said he didn't care about whether I was gay, and left it at that. But when I told him
that I had a crush on him, I never saw him online again. I've already lost interests in him
because he is disgusting. So having him ignore me now doesn't really matter to me.]
Maybe I still have some infatuation with him, but I liked him mainly because he was so nice to me. He gave me hugs when I'm feeling down.
If you want to know more about me, email me at alan.jcfs (at) gmail (dot) com.