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Lurking in . . .
"From the darkness, sleeping light." Formerly luminus dormiens. Lux pacis, light of peace.
Quote: "Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us." --Bill Watterson, cartoonist, Calvin and Hobbes
I did the stupidest thing today., which was running through a red arrow light and nearly crashing with other cars going the opposing way. The red arrow didn't even turn green. I'm going to go through a lot of self-invection by saying "Fuck!" Shit, what a goddamn asshole am I. I coulda gotten killed. Shit, what the fuck is wrong with me? CAn't I drive fucking carefully? The worst is, this validates all the adjectives about me that my mom always unloaded in every single one of her bitter nagging complaints about me. All my goddamn faults are listed in the stupidity. This is so beyond the idiotic of all idiots, that I cannot even capitalize the "g" to take God's name in vain, because this is not worthy of Him. Of course, if I got killed, and do go to the Judgment, then I probably would have rated His attention. I do not pay attention to the fucking traffic light, my own fucking traffic light.
I'm finished, now to explain why this happened:
I was at the intersection of Springlake St. and Washington Ave. It is a three-way street, with the Springlake being the end of the road. I was on Washington, ready to turn left onto Springlake. There is a red arrow in front of me. The Washington traffic lights were red, Springlake was green, so cars could go from Springlake onto Washington into any direction. The Washington Ave. has two lanes for each direction, so that's four lanes totally, along with my short lane for turning left onto Springlake, which has one lane.
Springlake lights turn yellow, then red. Finally, because I was so distracted, I paid attention only to the other Washington Ave. traffic lights, not to my own red arrow. So then, I just drove and turned, only to find the other cars coming straight to me. What's going on? Is the lights green, and then I realized that I was at fault, I was not supposed to turn.
Why did I behave in this manner? I can explain. The habit of expecting the red arrow to turn green has been so ingrained on me that I just let my body go on autopilot while I can think of other things.
Usually, my red arrow traffic light turns red with the traffic lights for other cars going straight ahead. While the cars opposite me, they usually wait until the cars turning left onto Springlake finish, then the lights will turn green and they can go.
The problem was, this time, the red arrow turning green, didn't, but I looked only at the other traffic lights, not paying any particular attention.
Another provocation was my "territorial claim," which for some reasons happen only to men. I saw the other cars opposite me turning right onto Springlake. I wanted to stop them, saying that's mine. It's my turn to go onto the Springlake street, so I was in a hurry to establish my dominion. Outrageous, isn't it? Why do I behave like so?