E tenebras, lux dormiens

I’ve been racking my brain on what to do online when there’s nothing to do. I already checked my emails, post my blogs, then what? Read the news? Play games? Maybe I will, brb.

A poem about lust by a bard dead for 400 years, W.S.

The expense of spirit in a waste of shame,
Is lust in action, and till action, lust
Is perjured, murderous, bloody, full of blame
Savage, extreme, rude, cruel, not to trust.
Enjoyed no sooner, but despised straight
Past reason hunted, and no sooner had
Past reason hated, as a swallowed bait
On purpose laid to make the taker mad.
Mad in pursuit, and in possession so
Had having, and in quest to have, extreme;
A bliss in proof, and proved, a very woe.
Before, a joy proposed; behind, a dream.
All this the world well knows, yet none knows well
To shun the heaven that leads men to this hell.

Haven't posted in a while.

so I did tell Mother about who I was. She didn't believe me. She asked me, "But how do you know?" As if I haven't had all the time from 12 to 18 to find out. When I was 12, I looked at gay porns, which are so easily found nowadays. Of course, I did feel guilty and full of shame. By the time I was 14, I knew who I was, but I prayed to God, jesus, whatever religious icons in existence, that I might be straightened out. When my doctor asks me about my sexual life, I didn't tell her anything, because I was so scared. I lived a celibate high school existence.

By 16, I accepted it more and more, but I'm not even embracing it. I'm trying to attend support groups, but I just can't bring myself to walk into the meeting and I prayed that nobody would notice me. But inside, I knew that I want to meet and be with a guy, showering him with all the romantic gifts, slightly changed to fit the grand occasion.

Now turning 19 in May, I'm depressed that I didn't go to a better college that was more liberal and more filled with hot boys. Oh, well. I'm gonna try transfer.

BTW, Happy New Year everyone.