E tenebras, lux dormiens

I'm fed up with the Tripod ads. You can use the free Kerio Firewall, which can block not only ads on the page, but also block the site from trying to set up the search bar that you see on the left side if you're using Internet Explorer.

But, I've given up completely, so I've decided to move the weblog to Blogspot.

There are many other sites that also offer free web hosting much better than Tripod. Unfortunately, I'll have to figure out how to use them. Until then, to give you a better experience, please go to the blogspot.

So . . . update your bookmark.

The index to THIS page at Tripod.com may be converted to a splash page, which should automatically redirect you, but I haven't decided whether to do that because that would mean that people coming here will be abruptly taken elsewhere.

Naturally, there will be many complications due to the move. The original Lux Dormiens non-weblog contents will still be at Tripod.

Everything will still be the same, save for the fact that they will be different.

Another reason for moving is that I've already 8.11 MB of site content, and the maximum is 11 MB.

This is the last post for this site FOREVER.

I love saying that.

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While looking up information on why my computer hard freeze, I learned about bugs and the Hrair limit. Because my parents are computer programmers, I have some idea of why a computer doesn't work.

I then came upon the Answer to Life, the Universe and Everything, which was given by Google.com as 42, which was made into a joke that if we calculate 6*9 by base 13, not by base 10, 6*9=42 not 54.

If we have base 13, then we have 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 A B C.

Since 6 * 9 = 9 + 9 + 9 + 9 + 9 + 9.

Calculating by base 13 lead to 9 + 9 = 15.

And 15 + 15 + 15 = 42.

The easiest way to see it is to use base 10. If 6 * 9 = 54, then count, starting with 1, all the way up to 54. You will come upon number 2. Then count how many times it took to pass the entire sequence, and you will count 4. So 42.

Another joke was that if 6=1+5 and 9=8+1, then 1+5*8+1=42 because rules of mathematics state that multiplication takes precedence over addition, so 1 + 5 * 8 + 1 = 1 + 40 + 1 = 42.

But I was getting side-tracked, so I returned to find the definition of a computer freeze, which might be due to an electrical problem.

Bah.

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This is worrisome. This virus, although not designed to destroy cell phone, will spread itself by finding phone numbers inside and dialing around.

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Yesterday, while we were on a pleasant walk, a boy of age ten proceeded to show off in front of his friends/siblings by acting as if he was going to throw the ball at us with our backs toward them. All kidding and silly giggling from the kids aside, that was not nice. I do not condone that acts of that kind, whether intentional or not and would gladly have shot a water gun at him just to soak him and his ego down.

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Today, while driving, I saw at a three-way intersection. Theoretically, cars take turn at the stop sign. Theoretically, a vehicle going straight has the right of way. What I saw was that while it was a van's turn to make a left, but the other mini-SUV opposite of the van proceeded to cut the van's turn.

Two laws are in conflict. Which law takes precedence?

As it happens, the mini-SUV has already cut ahead, so this mini-incident should have no further effect on any major events of the day. Unfortunately, it has already affected me and my emotion. I feel that it was an injustice. It has probably soured the day for the van's driver who was cut off.

What's worse, inside the mini-SUV that cut off the van was a family, with a big, fat, hate-filled, A-shirt-wearing man that proceeded to tap on his own window, pointing at the van, mumbling something.

I'm testing out the Link Field to see how it works. I've incorporated it into the title, but I'm wondering if it's possible . . . let me check.

Have you ever noticed that any time you are surfing a blog, and you come up a link to a Mercury News Site, or New York Times, and you click on it only to be confronted with the registration page. Even though it's free (costing only your time, apparently), it's annoying because you have to check your email, etc. etc.

bugmenot.com will give you a login name and password to access virtually any news sites without the needs to sign up, from LYD, which in turn was probably gotten from a comment left by a commenter [new window].

Just enter a website URL, like so, and then you can use the login name and password, all without the needs to sign up. Tell all your friends.

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Seeking . . .: This thread is interesting. I never want to participate in something that can burn me, so I'll just link to it here. I'm a lurker.

It's not the only post or thread to cover the topics of the gay community, but the way they discussed them, veering toward flames, and away from flames, makes me happy. I can't figure out why, but it's possible that the more people debate (and intelligently at that), then I am just uplifted.

Another thing is in this thread, there's a lot of misunderstanding and miscommunications between these people. I'm also amused at how they just attack with a brutal post at the dignity, the self-esteem, the personality of the other person with whom they disagreee, and then in the next post, they laid out a reasoned argument that would have been better than flaming.

[Edited 20040615: The link made the post drop all the way to the bottom. Fixed]

[Edited 20040616: If you haven't read this, READ IT!!! It's an semi-intelligent debate (at least for me). There's already five pages. Since each page holds 25 posts, you are reading more than 100 posts that are discussing not about meeting gay men non-sexually, but about the very fundamental debate about the relationship between gays and straights, between being out and not being out, about stereotypes and gay pride parade that is happening in June! Go to it, and post a comment about it here! I am absolutely in full support of more openness and being free to act the way you are, but not to go overboard, meaning actually attacking straights for being straight. I myself am often inhibited, but that's my problem, and I'm not going to tell others to act the way I act.]

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It seems that when I am near my own computer, I am of the unlucky kind. I have to reinstall Windows 98 all over again.

Brain: What did you do this time?

Me: Uh, I ran defrag, using the Autofix JS from PCPitStop.

Brain: And what happened?

Me: . . . Here I go:

I think defrag did something to 1) cause Explorer to fault, 2) be unable to start Windows (when it tries to, the computer shut down abruptly).

I could access the Command Prompt, but what can anyone do there when they can't access the CD drive?

I ran scandisk, fixed many--let me say that again--MANY directories and files (I counted 200 files and 50 directories that were damaged).

As I could not start up Windows, I used the Win98 Startup Disk, and re-installed Windows.

After re-installation, and fixing some things to access the Internet, it (the PC) continues to stay dysfunctional in the following ways:

1. IE, as it accesses a page, starts up the download dialog box.


2. The Windows Explorer cannot display as web page, so I can't see any information except by selecting Properties.


3. I cannot change the icon for certain programs.


4. I checked some of the DIR00000 and FILE0000 and saw that some were important Windows folders.

I would be miserable now, but I'm taking it in relatively good enjoyment. It's fortunate that school is finished and I don't have any work I need to do, or otherwise, I would be panicking because some vital documents are on that HDD.

Brain: Now my sweet, poor fool, have we learned a lesson from this?

Me: (nodding) I will never, from now on, try to defrag the HDD again (without any knowledable PC guru/geek nearby), 'cause I certainly am not one.

From now on, I'll just use the computer for three things: email, web surfing, and checking out the forums at G/E.

Brain: Good, you certainly say the right thing.

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The story told in the poetry below is fictitious, and any similarities to real events or characters are entirely coincidental, and the idea of the echo is derived from the idea of another poem by Fred Chappell, "Narcissus and Echo," written in 1985.

So, the idea is not entirely mine. I hope the idea isn't copyrighted.

The solemn dignitaries to apall, Paul
To ape, to dignify, to break to pieces is
My ego, easy broken, are a drama. a
Thus, I won't believe words of beauty full beautiful
Of craps, of lawless loving, good for nothing. thing.
One thing was wrong, that you behaved as friend, End
Without me knowing that you were unpure. your
And like a rape, you read, and then dictate, hate
What I should do, or should have done before. or
Unpure of mind, my body you undressed, rest
And then compared. I could not understand and
What face or mind you fought then to belie. I
The thought grotesque, like the cry of poorwill, will
It terrifies. And prick, whispering, "Screw you." screw you.

[Edited 20040612: It's called Stylized Echo.]

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Since my site has become extensive (finally, a year or so will do that to it), I've added a form (provided freely by FreeFind.com) for searching my site so you can find an article that you'd remembered seeing before, but don't know how to find.

However, if I see this being abused, and yes, it is a threat, I will remove it for privacy reason because I don't like to think of someone poking around meticulously stringing together distant posts and then having these used in ways I am not comfortable with.

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It is absolutely fascinating, but I never thought of myself as being severe to profoundly deaf. I always thought my hearing loss was moderate to severe, but after getting an audiogram, I see that all the circles and x's are curved, and very close to the bottom on the decibel scale.

How much information have I lost in my deafness? Practically 80 percents. Since I do have some residual hearing, but it might as well be 100.

Often, I am uncomfortable looking at people to lip-read them, because for some reason, hearing cultures regard being stared at while talking to be rude. Yet, how can I learn to speech-read?

One way is to meet people by coming up to them and say, "Hello, how are you? What is your name?"

One of my struggle here is to change my nature toward a more extrovert personality. It's hard. It is like forgiveness. Time must be added to the brew before it boils cooked.

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I have had to re-install Windows 98, but I managed to install it freshly, meaning no previous installations to make it unclean.

Why did that happen? Not directly from my own intervention. I did not initialize my hard disk drive like last time, nor did I do anything wrong.

Frankly I'm amazed that the computer has lasted so long since the failure to restore fully the last backup. For some reason, it stopped backing up in the middle of a 39 CDs [m?]. Some kinds of sector faults.

It suddenly gave out today, when the computer simply wasn't able to access the HDD anymore.

Luckily, I had a startup disk that I could use, and using it, I managed to get to a DOS prompt, from which I proceeded to install Windows 98. First, they had to scandisk and fix multitudes of problems with Drive C, until finally, they cleaned it enough, sending all the scattered directories into DIR00000 and files into FILE0000.chk.

I made sure to remove some Windows files so that the Setup would start anew.

Naturally, there was a lot of "difficulties" because Windows 98 is really old. It was the era of IE 4.0, when Netscape was still alive, not yet acquired by AOL.

Now that I have started afresh, I see many directories that Scandisk made that, luckily, preserve many things I had before. So I gathered my Opera files, my other things, and I'll make a slow trek toward normalcy.

A weblogger's old entry, but as you know, I enjoy linking to something from the past.

I admire essays :: 09.11.01: first thoughts not for the overall entry, but for paragraphs 6-8, which said that even if the federal government was crippled, the states by the U.S. Constitution are "endowed with power sufficient to govern" themselves until the federal government resumed operation.

Although many people do not recognize it, but each state, whether it is New Jersey, Alaska, California, Texas, or Washington, has the capability to continue functioning independently of a centralized government, but each is also prepared to support and obey that government when it is capable of maintaining stability.

It is this powerful and at times, conflictual balance between the states and the federal government that makes the United States the best republic ever conceived, and by the Founders that were open to new and radical ideas.

Our wills and fates do so contrary run
That our devices still are overthrown;
Our thoughts are ours, their ends none of our own.
~W.S.

Powerful statement that unites the opposites of the idea of free will.

Okay, I shouldn't care, because it probably happens often, but I saw a black dude (for lack of better term) jumping gate to avoid paying for the BART ride.

He did not get caught.

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Someone has pointed me out toward reading "The Ordinary Doom" by Eli Siegel because of the post I made about being trapped between "wanting to be famous" and "wanting to keep myself hidden," and although I was unable to find it on the Internet, I have seen enough of Aesthetic Realism to reject it humbly on the sole basis of one fact--it is in close alliance with Christianity, and thus view homosexuality as evil.

Splendid.

Maybe it's something I simply don't have the wisdom to see, but I am not getting this Aesthetic Movement, nor any of Siegel or his supporters' philosophy.

Although I don't like linking to sites that I disagree with, in fear that it raises the ranking of that site, and also in fear that I will be retributed, I must do so. In this article at http://www.swedenborgdigitallibrary.org/nci/homo/h89kt.htm, I find "Homosexuality, according to Eli Siegel, founder of Aesthetic Realism, grows out of contempt for everything in the world outside of self (particularly one's mother, and then all women), and a desire to conquer and dominate. The man becomes a 'vanquisher of the world,' by conquering the world through another man. The shame that results is changed into anger, or displeasure with the world." (Paragraph 9)

Pardon me, but I really respect my mother and do not want you to talk about how much I have contempt for her, or the desire to please her, or even the desire to replace God with her!

http://www.freedomsring.org/66feature.html has a statement from Aesthetic Realism trying to avoid the topic of changing the identity of homosexuality.

O.K. You're almost forgiven, almost, but not quite.

Since I don't know what is the content or the message of the Ordinary Doom, I can't comment. It's almost, but not quite, possible for me to separate an idea from the person that formulates it. It's even a possibility that I can separate an idea from another idea, and unlike the attempt to "make one of opposites," I try to make multitudes of one, not necessarily opposites.

It seems almost that perhaps Siegel, as an American philosopher, might be seeing the world in a duality.

I'll have to go to San Francisco Public Library to try to borrow a book that has the essay, because I want to read it and know whether it reflects me really well, or not.

What I am getting though, is that human beings in their contempt for the world, feel a desire to separate from it. Human beings, in their contempt for the world, feel a desire to conceal themselves from it.

O.K.

http://www.elisiegelcollection.net/Lectures-in-TRO/Tro1300.htm

It is possible that my mind is so feeble that I cannot understand what Siegel is saying. If so, ignorance may indeed be bliss.

But I have to find out what the rest of this essay is before I can make a judgment about it.

I am not trying to be hurtful, to attack ad hominem, but to make a critique of the message. It may be an evidence that I am far gone.

Since I have contempt for this article, does that mean that I have contempt for myself. Sadly, that is quite true. Maybe it has hit the mark. Theoretically, if I lose contempt for myself and for the world, replacing it with respect, then I will be happier.

Well, so far, they seem to have described me perfectly. /sarcasm I wonder . . . I have contempt for them, so I have proven their message with clarity. Well, that's muddlesome. They've surely got myself in a web that I certainly can't argue myself out of.

It's not that I have contempt, though, but it's probably a feeling that could become bound in the umbrella term of contempt. It's apprehension, it's doubt, it's uncertainty. It's the frightening belief that I, in trying to reduce this philosophy, have become the spokesperson for it. In trying to reduce it, I have effectively made it encompass me. In trying to say that I am different/better/superior/smarter/greater than this philosophy, I am become the merest worm for the birds.

So then. It seems that I can't win. Because any parallel can be drawn. The outside world could be my classmates, my friends, anyone. To make more of myself by making less of the world. Hmm.

So how should it be solved? Should I change? Or should the world change? Now that you brought up, I do want to like the world. And yes, I do dislike it. The easiest statement anyone can make is that misery in all the world is caused by contempt. The belief that all is unequal to one. Well, duh.

More links:

1. http://www.carolmccluer.net/twelfth-night.htm


2. http://www.elisiegel.net/Education_TRO1325.htm

BUT let me make it more clear.

1. When I said in my previous post that I wanted to separate my private self from my public self, it was not for the reasons that "aesthetic something something" expressed. The reason was that I wanted to make two weblogs, one for the purpose of being a journal--where I can explicate my life, and one for the purpose of being a true weblog--guiding other readers to articles that I find interesting.


You need only look at kottke.org, What's in Rebecca's Pocket?, or InstaPundit, to find the true forms that I want to emulate for a weblog.


2. When I said that I don't want it brought up, I mean that I am not ready to be stalked. That is the true essence of wanting privacy. People don't want to be violated, to be kidnapped, to be psychologically traumatized, to be hurt. That is expressed by the "aesthetic something," and I agree with the meaning in that way.



3. When I said I don't give links to my blog to other people, it is not because I want to be private, but because it is exactly the same as writing in a diary. And, as many would point out, the beauty of the Internet is the ability to be public and yet unknown, all at the same time.



4. When I don't reveal myself to other people, it is not out of contempt, but out of fear. If it is in the something doom described, then I stand corrected.



5. Lastly, when I posted that article, it was not about revealing myself, but about my pensive thought for the future.

I almost didn't want to make this post, but I am certainly insulted. I probably feel the same as the other person whom I might have insulted--you know who you are.

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Bill Watterson, author of Calvin and Hobbes - Quotable Quotes, Famous Quotes and Great Quotes: "People who get nostalgic about childhood were obviously never children."

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How Trackback Works

This is an excellent summary for explaining how trackback works, with a longer explanation on Moveable Type. I created this because I would have liked to know that someone has referenced to a post on the Deaf Bay Area Couple being scammed.

I didn't know that I had been linked to until I checked out Larry's post.

So I got curious and decided that I would try to find out how to make a trackback, because I had never really learned.

Since I don't use Moveable Type (too complicated for my goal, which is simply to blog), I investigated Haloscan, and what I found was an article on How to Send a Ping that led to me being able to send a trackback ping to Larry's Blog.

I'll try to use this more often from now on, so I can let people know I've linked to them.

I always thought Trackback was complicated, but I think it's a little easier than I thought.

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Okay, the buttons on the left, the ones for NEWSMAP and ATOM FEED, are NOT images. They were made by XHTML and CSS code. As such, they might not be viewable by any versions of IE, Netscape before the latest. But for those with the latest versions, or with Opera and Mozilla, should be able to view them, but they may look distorted on some browsers.

Do I care? Only nominally.

I may change some buttons to CSS code, so that it won't take too long to load. Images do take longer than necessary, no matter how small.

I'm glad to have found about about this. I was wondering about the ethics of taking images from other sites without permission. After all, I didn't create the button images myself, and those buttons that are free for me are simply too big or too unsightly. Also, I didn't really want to learn how to make graphics. Now, they can be created by the text of XHTML and CSS code, something that I'm (somewhat) familiar with.

Unfortunately, I've read somewhere that changing the font size can change the way the CSS buttons look, so I'll look more into it, but for now, it simply looks good.

I found the text code at Human Experience and at W3C button without images.

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early in the morning, to late at night,
i must around the hill walk my feet
take in everything from early light
my toes to ground in easy meet.