"From the darkness, sleeping light." Formerly luminus dormiens. Lux pacis, light of peace.

Quote: "Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us." --Bill Watterson, cartoonist, Calvin and Hobbes


Qui tacet consentit

Who that is silent, consents.

To be a liberal is to be free, not in the sense of money, but in the sense of freedom of thought. My Spanish professor, to whom I give great admirance for her fortitude, intelligence, tenacity, and perseverance, presented this Latin phrase.

She translated for us. "He who is silent gives his consent." From there, I embarked on my own to translate literally what each word means. Qui is who. Tacet is to be silent. Consentit, is to give consent. Therefore, qui tacet consentit (KWEE TAH-keit cohn-SEIN-teet).

She went on to explain that the true meaning of liberalness is not, as we see them now, to be on the far left.

I took this to be interpreted as that to be liberal is not to be an activist.

She said that liberal came from the Latin word that meant "liberty" or "freedom." It means that you are no longer a slave. Once something happen, it becomes a time that you must set a slave free. However, once free, that slave, usually a man, must be educated to become a true Roman citizen.

That is why in college, we have these classes that we call liberal education or liberal arts. To be liberal is to be learned in the ways of math, arts, history, language, etc.

It is for this purpose that the American colleges have the general education requirement, because we have such a desire to impose education, bring the pupils out of the darkness, the ignorance in which they dwell.

I know how many people hate the general education requirement designed to expose the students to the world of social science, of the humanities and arts, and of the natural science, of the world in which they live.

These are the people that need the future to show the usefulness of liberty to them. That is why it is not good to force people to vote, because voting is predicated on the notion of making an informed decision.

So those who say that they don't want to vote, or don't care about the political system, should not vote. The voting percentage may be depressing, but it shows the people's true nature is to be silent, and in silence, consent.

There is a problem, naturally. Some people may want to keep it [the non-voting part] this way so that they may keep control of the political process. The young people are just a variable factor that they don't want to deal with. They could vote one way or the other, and cause an upset.


Sometimes I wonder why I am writing this, because I think it devalues my blog. Many people have already written--and read--about this, so why am I writing it?

I'm stupid. What the heck is this blog for? I feel so empty inside now. Maybe I need to say less, and more in less. 1 + 1 = 1/2.


CNN.com - Dean predicts comeback, takes swipe at media - Jan. 26, 2004

To all those who hate Bush so much, the so-called "arch-liberals" and "far left," can rest assure that the arch-conservative and the far right feel the same way about Clinton. Now I understand what it must be like to see Clinton, a Democrat, win re-election when they have been frothing at the teeth to destroy him. The Republicans led a great comeback to re-take control of both Houses of Congress two years after Clinton's first term, but failed to beat Clinton himself in 1996.

Now to have seen Bush, who might or might not win re-election, parading himself before the Southern states to help the Republicans there beat the Democrats, the liberals are now in so much fury at what Bush has done, to the environment, to women's rights, to minority's rights, etc. In fact, the liberals are so caught that they cannot move forward, that they have become the new conservatives, struggling to keep things the same even while the conservatives are making great stride to remaking the government in their own image.

I shudder at this political brinkmanship, where both sides expend time, energy, and money to no ends to achieve an end result that will last only two years before the cycle starts again, before the campaigning begins anew. Here is President Bush, the man, whose only goal are to win re-election, protect the country, and satisfy the conservative base in some cases. It is laudable and cannot go far without contradicting themselves. Bush will never propose a tax increase, that much as I can be sure, just as Arnold Schwarzenneger has promised never to raise tax, and so far, he ain't gonna!

What I was saying was that I admire Bush for still being popular with half of the American population. He's like Lincoln, only instead of slavery, he has nothing going for him except the country's safety, and also, he's definitely less eloquent than Lincoln. He's trying to satisfy his base, just as Lincoln tried to satisfy the radical Republicans while still trying not to destroy the Southern economy.

Of course, there's been plenty of times when the President had to tread between two separate and equal powers. He needs his conservative base to sustain him, but go too far right, and the liberal and the media that listen to the liberal, will never let him hear the end of it. The press pays attention only to whoever listen to them.


~ ~ Kingdom Hearts ~ ~

Now having played through the Kingdom Hearts game, though I haven't yet fought all the bosses like Sephiroth, Kurt Zisa, etc. nor found ALL the trinities (I'm missing one), I fell qualified to review the game because I want to be part of those people who review games.

The game is entirely playable, but I felt inconvenienced by the fact that I had to, in the middle of a battle, go through the manual using my right analog button and selecting options through pressing 'X'. How can I be fast enough to select all the options before the enemies get a chance to hit me? Not only that, in trying to select a magic or an item, if I try to jump, I automatically cancel my choice.

It's pretty stupid to put cancel and jump on the same button. How the heck am I supposed to jump and cast magic at the same time? And don't get me started on the camera angle. I couldn't even see what I'm doing because the view is too close to Sora, the main character, or at the very least, his buddies, Donald Duck and Goofy, are too close to me to see anything. When magic and munnys are exploding everywhere, the only recourse I had was just to keep mashing that 'X' button.

If they gave other buttons the ability to fight 'differently,' that'd be great. The triangle for lunging forward, the square for jumping back, etc, while also allowing me to cast greater variety of magic by just holding down different L buttons with pressing the controls. The only option I had was L1 + 'triangle' or 'square' or 'x'. I could assign different magic, but it wasn't fun at all!

If there are going to be only Fire, Blizzard, Thunder, Stop, Gravity, Aero, and Summon, what's wrong with assigning the first class of magic to L1 + any X, triangle, square, circle and the second class to L2 + any X, triangle, square, circle. That way, there's little need to go through the menu to cast magic that I didn't assign, and so the right analog stick can be used to control the camera angle.

The story was okay, not exactly brilliant, and sometimes repetitive. I basically replay, in almost every world, the plot that I've already watched in the movies. Sure, there were some worlds that was unique, like the Hollow Bastion, Traverse Town, and the hard but fun Olympic Coliseum.

I enjoy the game because it was a fusion of two things, Disney and Squaresoft. I got the chance to fight Squall, Cloud, and Yuffie, while also meeting such characters as Aerith and Cid.

The visuals were good, and I enjoy the game. It didn't last very long, and for that I am glad, because it's not an RPG game like Final Fantasy. I would have been terrified to have to play 80 hours breaking my thumbs to fight all the enemies that show up. And also, someone said that it's not an adventure game, and I'm inclined to agree. It's not a game that makes the most use out of the controls. After all, the Devil May Cry was unique in that each button had a different control that makes it fun, that makes you think which to use when attempting to fight a certain boss.

In this case, Kingdom Hearts is basically like a simplified version of Jax and Daxter. All you pretty much do is jump, attack, or spell cast.

Lastly, what was unfortunate was the last few moments that had no caption. The ending sequence, when it changes to a FMV cinematic animation sequence, was not subtitled. So I had no capability of understanding what was spoken in the exchange between Sora and Kairi when they were separated by the worlds after locking the final keyhole to the Kingdom Hearts of the world, or the universe, whatever.

It was great to see Mickey, though he wasn't what I was expecting. Not only was the scene featuring him was short, I had expected him to be wearing that kind of robe and blue pointy hat with two stars and a moon in Fantasia. Or, if not, I expected him to wear the crown of a king, as he is the king of the Disneyworld.

Overall: 7/10

By the way, I'm not a hard-core gamer. So if I've given someone that impression, I apologize. I was just explaining my views of the game, fully articulated by many other gamers' review that I read.


The Heart of this World

I finally beat Kingdom Hearts, and I think I got the secret ending, though it didn't seem like much. It's unfortunate that the Squaresoft Company didn't subtitle the ending sequence, and I can't even read the lips of those characters. From what I could see, it's visually depressing. Kairi and Sora and Riku, separated for an indefinite time.

Isn't Howard Dean great!? He's definitely memorized the order in which he's supposed to campaign after the loss. I heard about Dean's antics, but I couldn't find a transcript of it so I could read where it was that he got "overly enthusiastic" in his post-Iowa loss rally. Anyway, I could find some articles that copied the point that he was very passionate about winning the presidency. Yar! Yar! We're going to New Hampshire, Arizona, and so forth!

At this point, I definitely love his antic disposition, because it's so unlike what we'd expect from any high ranking people. I'd love to vote for him, whether or not he could beat Bush. I feel like those voters who can't decide between candidates not because they can't decide between which candidates they're taken with, but because they can't decide which candidate can beat Bush. In other words, they can't decide whether to vote with their hearts, or with their heads.


On Dean and the State of the Union Speech

After learning about Howard Dean's loss in Iowa, I was rather surprised. I didn't really pay attention to the news because I was focused on my schoolwork. However, I did hear that Dean had been slipping in the news.

What I said to myself was, "Well, that's good. We can now see how Dean's going to react. Is he capable, like Clinton was, of becoming another "Comeback Kid"? If he is not, then he is simply not experienced in the ways of politics to win. So the next few weeks of state Democratic nominations should prove one of the few events to watch closely. I, on the other hands, would love to know how that Spirit Rover is doing.

That sad thing would be that I actually supported him for being a "unique" candidate. It's a shame that John Kerry won, even though I'm not sure I enjoy his appearance. He looks tired, his drooping eyes make him unappealing, actually. Since I had never paid attention to him, I do not know who this senator from Congress is.

Bush's State of the Union Speech was very interesting! It's the first time I ever really paid attention to most of the speech of any Presidents elected.

So apparently he has stated a possible support for the constitutional amendment for banning anything that does not preserve the values of family, i.e. gay marriage. I should not have brought it up first, over the other things that he had proposed, such as making the tax cuts permanent, etc.

After mulling over what the political editors have wrote regarding the speech, I would say that Bush has really improved over the year.

Not improved in intelligence or saving the environment, gosh, no, but improved in politics. Before, he was rather clumsy, but now, he's learned to be quick on his feet. His years of living at the White House and fending off attacks have hardened him to the point where I respect and fear him.

While it might be nice to depend on a strong leader for guiding us, and inasmuch as I wish that he would be the protector of the environment that he says he is, I do not need to depend on him. I do my own way, recycle what I can, preserve what I will. So are the companies like Toyota and Honda, devoted toward the development of the hybrid and hydrogen-fueled cars like none others.

This is a cephalous society of course, so all the world regard our Bush the representative American. If that is their view, it would be a shame that they cannot look past their own ignorance, and see the diversity that makes United States. Remember, after all, that 500,000 more Americans have voted for Gore than Bush. But we keep our electoral system because it is a cute, eccentric system for a large country as ours.


Something About Me

(117 KB)

Hey, I've managed to scan my drawing and put it on the web. Note, any similarities to other characters are entirely fictitious and unintentional.

However, I did employ something from George Orwell's 1984. Remember that passage near the end of the book where O'Brien finally declared intellectual victory over Winston? I copied from that!

Here's what the picture say if you can't read my handwriting. It was from two years ago, but I wanted to post it because I promised to do so, to show what I was like years ago. I might have been 17 or 18 at the time. :-)

Lucifer is saying: "I hate you God! You made us sentient and yet you demand conformity to your idea of order, and normality. Why implant a desire in me to rebel if you are going to punish me? I damn you, damn you, answer me."

To which God replies: "What I will, it is not that thou must. What I will, it is not that thou shalt. What I will, it is that thou already art."

Yes, the coloring is a bit of a mess of magenta, fuschia, cyan, and red. With some dash of purple, blue, and yellow. I think I also had white, but of course, that can't be seen.

Anyway, I'm actually not sure, or I don't remember, if I intended this to be a railing against God for making me gay.

I think it is more that I was simply showing contradictions within God, because how can all that is Good come from Him has something within it that is Evil? How can God, a Perfect Being, think it benevolence to infuse in us the capacity to reason so that we may love the beauty of the world and so forth? And at the same time, we have this tendency or desire to do the things that are not good?

In a sense, I might have been asking: If to sin against God invites eternal punishment, and same-sex attraction is a sin, then I have invited unto my soul an eternal punishment that cannot be rescinded.

What is the purpose, so Calvinistic, for God has decided to pre-ordain some group of individuals for punishment, and other groups for salvation?

Are we, the gays and lesbians, simply unknowing demons of temptation to test not ourselves, but others (the straight population), to see whether others are going to accept us? For it might be that if the others accept us, God will punish them for following the Devil. Is it that we, having already been punished, hold within ourselves and our souls a close-mindedness to be open to the love of God and Jesus Christ, and we are only puppets for them?

Why does God make us all so different that we cannot agree, that we cannot follow God with the same loyalty, same adherence, same interpretation and there be no conflict at all?

I understand that we are being punished for the sins of Adam and Eve. They ate the forbidden fruit. But what was the snake doing there to tempt Eve?

Even then, why did Lucifer have within himself a lust for power that he rebelled against the kingdom of omnipotent God and cast down to Hell?

Indeed, God Himself, is rather human. Or if not human, He is ambiguous and unknowable, and thus, uninterpretable. There are no words ever written by Him, only by His followers, who might or might not have dementia.

There's also Jesus Christ, but I'll talk about Him another time. Note, for those who are reading this, don't take me for an expert on this particular class of theology. My words are simply my perception now; my perception, through which all filtered words to me does flow.


Weight problem: being underweight

It seems strange to me, but I am slightly underweight. As someone who is 5'7" (170 cm), I weigh only 115 lbs. (52 kg). This means essentially that I have a weight problem opposite of what many Americans (the one in the United States) are experiencing. Where they experience obesity, I am as skinny as an ferret.

Of course, my weight is only at the upper end of the underweight scale. There were some overlap in my weight region of underweight-normal.

So I need to eat more, but I'm terribly afraid of getting a little lubber in my belly. I'm just thinking of that day when my body's metabolism will suddenly slow down and I can't eat as much as I would like to stop from gaining weight. That day hasn't come yet, I'm too young (19) for that. But I will be old soon.

For now, I will attempt to gain muscle by partaking in some strenuous activity to gain muscle mass. First I must be fit, then I must be strong.

Fitness includes
1. being flexible enough to reach my toes when my knees are straighten. I currently can't do that. I also want to be able to do those cool yoga moves.
2. being agile enough to react to circumstances. I doubt I have any agility to start running from a standing position in one second flat. The natural thing for me to do first would have been to think first, such as whether I really want to engage in such activity, and whether there's any benefits in doing so. And since I think slowly, in a race, someone would have been a far dash from me before I could even begin.
3. being quick of mind. This includes wits as well as calculation. I want to have the ability to speak with such an articulate tongue that I can charm anyone and prostrate themselves to march for me. And then, I want to have the ability to think quickly, make calculations in a spontaneous moment of ways to win.
4. be able to run. I need to have an endurance training, where I can run for fifteen minutes without stopping.
5. drink more water. This is a great problem that I have. I can't bear to drink 8 glasses of water (2.3 liters) a day, and I should make myself bear it. My body needs water to run like a lubricate machine. The only trouble is that I urinate too often, so I know that the problem is not that I drink too much, but that my body is not making use of the excess water efficiently.

to be strong:
6. I basically need weight training. But I've always been nervous about the gym. As I would say to myself sometimes, "Suck it up!"


A Preparation for Chinese New Year
And a Remembrance of a Bitter Memory

I and my parents were looking around in Oakland and San Francisco yesterday--to go shopping for the Chinese New Year, which will happen in January 22nd. It's a celebration that will last two weeks. Each day of the fourteen days has a theme, but we don't necessarily follow the Chinese traditions on the holiday very thoroughly. The celebration ultimately culminates in a parade of grandeur on the fifteenth day.

Anyway, when we were in Oakland and my mom was purchasing some Chinese New Year food, I was hit by a bad memory that I hadn't had for a long time. Why it hits me at that moment I don't know.

I'll describe the memory and then, what triggered it:

It was senior year of my high school, and I was sufficiently ebullient at the time because we were going to practice our graduation ceremony. There was going to be a discussion of the graduation. My memory isn't imbued with my details, but I remembered that day for what that evil, malicious thug did to me. I'm not sure if I've already written about this in the blog, but I haven't forgiven him no matter what.

On this particular day, I was assigned the duty of passing out yearbooks for people who have already purchased their own. Performing my usual duty, I enjoyed being the individual I envied, the important distributer. I always enjoyed being the server, I guess, in effect, being needed. So I calmly did my duty to the best extent that I can.

Carlos Montez, the pathetic bully, decided to pull off a simple ploy that humiliated my prized possession, the vigilance that I had of being ever watchful, ever careful with my possessions or that which I was given the duty of supervising.

He came up to the windows, the place where the people normally distributed the yearbooks. And he chose mine as the perfect target. I was alone in this room. All others had gone out of the room for that moment.

As I usually do, I had my yearbook to the side of the windowsill, on a table. I expected him to give me a ticket indicating that he had purchased one. Immediately, he preyed upon the fact that I could not hear and seemingly directed me to seek someone else to talk to him for me. I could barely understand what he said, perhaps an intentional fabrication. He said to leave the yearbook there while directing me to the other direction. I knew not to what he pointed, but I proceeded onward to ask an acquaintance for help.

I heard a bang, out of the corner of my eyes, I believed to my horror what I saw. He ran away, and I could do nothing--my body frozen as it were--to stop him.

I did not cry. It is not in my nature. But I glared with the reddest eyes of the most heartless monster at him, willing whatever God exists to burn him and his soul before he ran away.

Countless times have I dreamt of how I could have reacted, could have prevented him from making way with his worthless possession. I could have jumped out the window and made a dashed at him. I could have caught up with him because he is a fat boy. He is overweight, he is obese. Not obese to the point that he cannot run, but he, like a football quarterback, is slow of movement. I could have, kung-fu style, beat him to bloody confusion, myself as well.

Two main things prevented such an action: I am out of shape and I know nothing of martial arts nor even of ways to bring down a man one and a half times my size.

Other things include the fact that I had no support. There was no one who could have seen me or corroborate my words. Though I have gone to my teacher and to a security guard, nothing was done, unfortunately. What justice is there in a warning? Was it not a Commandment of God that Thou Shalt Not Steal. Although I do not follow Christianity, many religions, and even the insanest (I believe) athiests would agree that thievery must be punished.

I was also fearful, because he likely has a gang of thugs waiting in the wings. Had I chased him, there is a possibility that I would have trapped myself in the roily-toily struggle against the worst-case scenario: getting a wedgie, having my hearing aids taken and thrown away, my glasses as well, my shirts, my pants, my dignity. Although murder would have been unlikely the harsh light of day, and anything involving me getting beaten up would have immediate repercussions, I was in too much of an intellectual calculations to do what must be done. After all, what short-term benefits might be got, would have long term consequences not easily foreseen.

Look at me now. Even though I might arrogantly consider myself the paragon of human reasoning. I am just a pathetic, deaf, Chinese, near-sighted, unfashionable, 19-year-old student at a university for which he has only mild liking who will be 20 in May, ranting about something that has happened more than a year ago, about something people will probably say I should get over and move on from.

I don't know. I suppose I should just leave it alone. But I know for a fact that if I simply leave it alone or avoid dwelling on it, what will happen is that one day, it will come back to haunt me again. My heart is even feeling heavy now. Who knows if that day will be when I am 40 years old, obese, and at that moment, I have a heart attack? So I must struggle with this. Maybe I will see that guy again, and when I do, maybe I will forgive him for what he did at that moment. Maybe I will just wake up and say, I accept that. I cannot forget the pain that he has caused me, because I consider what he did to be a true violation of what I am, of my self-esteem, of my entire being.

It is as if I define my worth by how many things I have not let be stolen. Perhaps this will be my undoing in the long run . . .

A year since then, what have I done? I have not done anything to prevent it from happening again should I be put in the similar situations.

I have not been inspired to learn any form of fightings, such as Judo, Karate, Tae Kwon Do, Kung Fu, etc. I have not trained myself to run for long distance. I have not learned to watch my belongings, and I'm not sure I have learned to make sure that any time a stranger comes up to me to buy something from me, that I am careful not to turn my eyes or my body away from his line of sight, and even then, to keep my body close to what that stranger values, so that if the worst comes to blow, I am ready to strike back. The reason I might not have learned is because I have not done anything like that again. I have not had the responsibility of selling things, as it was my last year of school. And the university has almost no events happening for which I could make myself useful.

If I learned Judo and running long ago, rather than be so entirely focused on learning, watching TV, and not doing anything else of sports, social support, etc., I could have just jumped out the window, run after him, and after catching up, subdue him with several firm and quick moves to bring him to the ground and take the yearbook from him.

I just remembered a scene from a movie, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. There was the girl whose comb was stolen by Lo, the leader of the Dark Cloud gang. And she had the gall to take a horse and proceed to chase after him for as long as possible to get her comb back.

Anyway, I just wasted a post ranting about a past, but I suppose that's the way it should be.


Nature of Friendship and Common Interest
With a discussion of male-female dichotomy

I am going to have dinner tonight, with my friends. How strange to see me type that. I guess these friends are different from the one that I expected. I guess I should avoid looking for a specific treasure, but to appreciate what I find.

I realized gamely that the specific "treasure" as I so called it is simply the one that I see on the street and saw in high school. In other words, they are the popular people.

Never mind the fact that we don't share the same interest. It would be soul-fulfilling to have them share their aura with me.

I wonder what people talk about in general. The "friends" I have talk about many things, but I never considered the subjects to be real conversations. I guess I wanted to have a philosophical discussion with cute boys. Then again, it's better for them to be dumb, so I can just pat them lightly on the head and stare into their vague unknowing eyes and smile. And then, I would kiss them on the eyes just to titillate them.

Geez, I wish I could and other people could maintain themselves. I wonder how so many women often look so good, so, so, so lovely, and yet I can feel not even the slightest sexual attraction to them. But men, males, boys, guys, half the population, many of whom rarely groom or do the things necessary to make themselves look and smell good, to them I am attracted.

The problem is that I am attracted only to those, the small fraction, that do keep themselves looking nice, but not overly flamboyant. I like those, like myself, I guess. Those that wear mild, but nice clothes, those that don't care too much about brand names, but what scintillate their eyes.

Turtlenecks, mock turtlenecks, mock orange turtleneck, mock neon orange turtleneck is a color I want to find. Dress down casual. Down casual. Casual. Yeah, that's a word.

It would be preferable if they have similar taste that I do. Not the same, but similar enough to be exchangeable. If people could look as good as I do [here is an example of arrogance] wearing the clothes that I wear, I would by all means date them.

It might seem strange that I use people instead of the more specific words that refer narrowly to half of the population with penises, and even more narrowly to people who do not think of themselves as the opposite sex or find pleasure in wearing clothes of the opposite sex.

It's just me. I don't like to employ the use of the word "man," "men," "boy," boys," "boi," "bois," "boyz," boiz," "male," "guy," "guys," "guyz," "dude," "hombre," "homme," "garcon," etc.

I like people. I guess this could be an instance of me still trying to keep open the possibility that I might turn straight. Or else, I am trying to avoid being the section of the gay population that is overwhelmingly sexist, using disgusting words (in my eyes, but obviously not in theirs).

It seems strange to me because I am somewhat egalitarian in my philosophy that I still accept any inequality that exists. It's hard for me to explain, because I have been looping these ideas in my though process, and having come so far, I am come round to the same argument, and cannot thus put it into words without contradicting myself. Being deaf means that I am decreased in importance to others. A woman has certain differences that highlight their specialized functions: nurturing. Although I would say that women are in general designed for that role, I would never say that all women should be in that role and nothing else. All the people have the rights to access of information, and rights to access of careers of their choices based on their intelligence, their capability, and their creativity.

One point that I was making was that I have just found one person of a segment of the gay population that has been stuck in the old view of the world.

I was aghast when he uses the word "man" in a discussion on philosophy or government when humanity, humankind, the human race, the people of the world, all the individuals, etc. could have just been as easily substitute. It behooves me to think of him as a misguided sexist. I did not see any point to correct him in saying that word, but rather, I decided to respond using the better word. People might consider it to be a form of political correctness, but I don't think so. Sometimes a politically correct word can be very offensive. Witness the degradation of "homosexual" in the gay community (no source provided to support the argument of the preceding sentence, but by general agreement of many gays and lesbians that you might meet on the street; people are the best, if not entirely reliable, primary sources of all).

I understand that the philosophers who have contributed to the general discourse are almost entirely male, if not entirely so. The problem is that no one has ever made an effort to count the influence of women. Who knows, perhaps there was a woman making a grand statement of equality could have caused a man to write a lovely argument in favor of equality without even crediting her.

The branch that decrease the importance of women is a supremely religious (i.e. Christianity, Judaism, Islam, along with other religions that I did not read about). Therefore, whoever claims to have foresaken their beliefs in God can still be mired in its words and culture.
The Big Stupid Freedom

It is now more than simply to behave in a good manner, but to act as crazily as possible to maintain the semblance of sanity.

Although I do not know whether I have been accepted into the universities of my choice, there is one dilemma.

Yes: A change of scenery. The life for which many college students have grown up.

No: The loneliness that arises from being a deaf student. The homesickness.

I realize that it is I who choose how to live. The place I choose, is my own choice, culminating from the wisdom of the many students before it. Of course, Hayward is not the place best known for being lively, only adequate. Neither is any place because I can choose to avoid situations that would illuminate me from my social surrounding.

It is a time to learn.


An escapade into freedom

I wonder sometimes why I have chosen to come out to one person today. I felt it was time. Have you ever woken up one day, after so many years of struggle, and finally realized that it simply was time. Like forgiveness, an act of disclosure is not something to be taken without much serious thought. And like forgiveness, people just wake up and forgive, even though it might have been yesterday that they were still hating the person who had betrayed.

I had planned to do this last week, but circumstances delayed it. Finally, I told her today. At first, she didn't reply in a manner that I expected.

Now, whatever my circumstances may arise, my duty's here to stay.

Oh, I'm sorry, for being so vague.

I was just saying that, even as I was telling her. A great weight was not lifted off from my chest. Instead, it was replaced by another no less heavier rock, but more charred, like Atlas, his pancake-earth carried.

I was staring with surmounting gloom, the [insert fancy word here] of facing every single meeting with having to explain that I am not in any relationship with the opposite sex that they might be thinking of. Someday, I will have to explain when they ask this question of me, "So are you dating anyone?"

Whether in sign or in speech, whether in English or the ancient language of the Aztecs people, I must reply with a sentence so loaded in meaning no matter which way you look at it. For of all the combination of words possible in a language that still makes sense, there are few ways, confirmative or confutative, to answer without speaking gibberish:

No, but I've been checking out this guy. He's cute.

Yes, you know him already.

¿Qué hay de nuevo, señor?
An indecision on Bush
Complemented with a diary entry

You know what? I think I'll support Bush on his space program after all. I'm a flip-flopper, that's what I do. That's why I want to be a swing voter. I'm not sure how much he'll reform NASA, but I know for a fact that things never change. So, however much America breaks its bank, I'll follow where the President leads.

I have done another thing that was in my New Year's Resolutions. I came out to one of my friend. Of course, my choice might seem eccentric because she is old enough to be anyone's mother. She herself said that. And yet, she has leftist tendency, and for this, I told her that I am gay.

I signed to her, of course, so I didn't say anything to her. I didn't have to, because sign language showed it. I tried to use the formal sign for 'gay' but she could not understand because I think I might have signed it wrong. So I decided to fingerspell each letter: 'g' 'a' 'y'

She looked at me in surprise and signed: "I'm not."

"I know already."

"Well, I think it's okay. When did you know?"

"Oh, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, around that time." The answer is more complicated that one might assume, especially over the fact of a difference in sexuality.

"I heard that people knew they're gay when they're young. I think they're born that way. I'm glad you told me."

"Oh, I agree."

I sagged my head a little. It was a little more than I could bear.

"Did you know that the ASL professor is gay, too?"

I looked at her, feigning surprise. The truth was that that was never far from my mind. After all, he has told the class about his life, from when and where he was born, to where he lived of what age. Never once, in all his story-telling, I noticed, did he talk about meeting his wife or having a girlfriend. So I just suspected that he might be, but I just left it alone. It is not a matter about which people can talk freely.

She continued, "I'm waiting for him to tell me, but I can understand the privacy of that matter. But you know the other ASL professor? She told me, and she knew. You know Ang? her deaf friend told her and she told me.

As she had to leave for class, which I preplanned, we part ways. I made sure that right when she was about to leave, I would let her know. Not before, not before, because I knew that I would be too much in turmoil of my mind and my heart to be able to continue signing.

And so it was. My stomach felt queasy for a while. And my hands were tingling with the blood that slowed. I drove home, my classes finished for the day.

I thought, What have I done? What did I do so irrevocably? I somehow surmised that such a powerful force of feeling would finally kindle an attraction to women. Nothing came. But I could not think of sex now.

It was a small thing, I reasoned. But still, things large and small have a way of showing the larger consequences not foreseeable.

Who knows, this might be the thing that caused a hurricane. Or if that was a bad thing, I might have averted it. I shall soon see what she does in the future. How has our relationship changed now that she knows this singular fact about me?


HoustonChronicle.com - Bush aims for `worlds beyond our own'

Will you just not talk about it? I thought you were conservative, doesn't sending a man to Mars seem a waste of tax dollars and human beings?


On first reading

I've been reading Chinua Achebe's ethnographic novel Things Fall Apart for an Anthropology class I'm taking, and uniquely among most books I've (tried) to read, it--the book--has a very interesting beginning. I've always been terrified of reading novels because I don't have any idea what's going on in the first few pages. It's always so florid, like you're waiting for the story to begin.

So this book has definitely gotten my attention. Unfortunately, it's not easy for me to suggest a way to carry this kind of attention-grabbing-thing to all other books so that I can read them as well. That's because what interested me was not the story, but the fact that there is this culture so distinctly different from the one I am growing up in. Here is a tribe, Umuofia, who has dealt in warfare that has trapped it into hatred of other tribes and races, and it is not likely to change. Naturally, that's not the plot of the story, but it in itself was interesting enough to encourage me to read.

When I got Book 3 of the Harry Potter Series, I had to struggle to get through the first twenty pages about how evil Harry's aunt, uncle, and cousin are to him. I even put the book away because I could bear to read and feel frothing vilification to his family. I couldn't understand why such a family exists. It made no sense. It still makes no sense, but after I got through the twenty pages, the interesting stuff started. Like Harry's magical ability and the history of wizards!

It's fascinating to see what I am interested in. Not in real life, but in fantasy. Shakespeare, Orwell, Tolkiens, and Rowling all share one thing in common, they talk of a whimsical time.

It's possible that I'm not exposed enough to literature, so I can't judge. But seriously, what I have read and what I like do say a lot about me as a person. Sure, sure, I haven't read any books like Great Expectations, the Christmas Carols, or even Shakespeare's Comedy of Errors and Winter's Tale, or works by Dostoevsky, but I've read about them. I've often found explications of the story more illuminating than the story itself, to my ambivalence.

Even though I've not read these works, and I would like (though I am not particularly wanting) to read them someday in my spare time, but I realized that not everybody is intellectual! I'd say the average person hasn't read any of these works, which probably belong to a more elite class. And I'm an average person, therefore not of the elite.
It's easy: Just stop spending

The nation as a whole is pretty tired of outer space. Sure, the Mars Rover might have instilled some inspiration in some individuals, but it cannot erase the fact that outer space is too dangerous to send people in. Any mission to the moon or Mars must wait until at the very least you have cut down all the deficits that you are raising for the sake of tax cuts. Just stop spending.

I speak from someone who loved Star Trek (during the The Next Generation era, I haven't watched the original series because I don't have (!) cable). I would love to see outer space, but not at the expense of our nation as a whole. What you are attempting to do is something that will not resonate with the majority of American voters at all! At the very least it does not resonate with me!

Naturally, I should not forget that you have the capability of confounding the expecations of the American populace, including the Democrats by being successful in the political game. So I know your speech, which I haven't even heard yet, would probably contain very inspiring words about outer space ever written by your speechwriter or by you.

So I'll see how it goes. Who knows, I may like it. It's just that, I thought government should be made smaller, not larger; more efficient, not clumsy with bureaucrats.
A Disbelief in my Capacity

I cannot believe that last quarter, I took 21 units and still survive with non-failing grades. My Communication class is A-, English is B, and Biology is B-. The rest, Spanish and Sign Language, I took as credit/no-credit. Unfortunately, I happen to have done extraordinarily well in both of these classes. I probably would have scrounged an A- in Spanish, but Sign Language, I definitely got A. If only I could see it in the transcript . . . [voice breaking]. My GPA would be higher . . .


What I wanted to say was that I've been cleaning up my stuff, and I came across a picture that I drew years ago, maybe two years. I'm not sure. I plan to post it here.


The Mercury News

Good Benevolence, I do not take your name in vain but pray that you are guiding this Christian-God-fearing individual well!

Oh, you President Bush, what are you thinking about trying to research sending a man to Mars? This is just one of your stupid political ploy! Are you trying to be John F. Kennedy, who happens to be a Democrat? You crazy, deluded, crazy, deluded, short little man!

Rather than employing fiscal responsibility and making the government smaller, you have expanded its awe-inspiring size! Against what are you competing? There is no Soviet Union here, though your feeble little mind cannot comprehend that fact, apparently.

The death planet will break any man's will, even an American. Do not do this, at least until faster-than-light travel is invented.


Copsrus-Anthems and Flags of the Nations of the World

America! America!
God shed his grace on thee
And Crown thy goods with brotherhoods
From sea to shining sea!

My own fabrication:
America! America!
Let not thy land be tarnishéd!
Though many men and women die for thee,
Their blood stain thee not, but have fed
To thy beauty, and thy cause of liberty!
America! You stand alone!
America! You are the stone!
The tide to all the world that does ebb and flow!
America! I will follow you, to where you lead and go!
America! Of dual nature doth thou stand!
America! Blind is the justice in your land!
And whether that be bad or good,
America, for thee we give our blood!


Grist | Let the sun | 19 Dec 2003

I just learned that you shouldn't put your car in neutral when you are coasting on the freeway. The reason is that by leaving your car in Drive mode, the car's engine will run from the movement of the car, requiring little gasoline. However, by putting your car in neutral, the engine must continue to run idle mode, which would require more gas because the the speed of the car is not running the engine, so the engine must run itself.
United Press International: Bush takes on illegal workers

President Bush has taken a good and sturdy step toward welcoming the illegal aliens by allowing them to obtain temporary guest worker status. With the such a controversial issue, this middle path is the one of the few paths the President can safely take to ensure his re-election.

As the son of parents who immigrated here, I am often divided between fully accepting immigration as a necessary part of allowing children lucky enough to be born here to live the American life and saying that illegal aliens should not be allowed here.

I realized that I am sometimes hostile to the Mexican immigration not because they are taking jobs but because they are bring bad table manners and unclean habits to our country.

I am not hostile to people of Mexican descent in general because the people I have met are somewhat nice, perhaps conceited. Unfortunately, as I remember that my Toyota car was broken into, apparently to steal the glass window, some motor oils, and books, my mouth grows frothy with loathing at these Mexican and African bastards.


What Theologian of the Christian Church are you?

"We reject the false doctrine that the church could have permission to hand over the form
of its message and of its order to whatever it itself might wish or to the vicissitudes of the
prevailing ideological and political convictions of the day."
You are Karl Barth!
You like your freedom, and are pretty stubborn against authority! You don't
care much for other people's opinions either. You can come up with your own fun, and
often enough you have too much fun. You are pretty popular because you let people have their
way, even when you have things figured out better than them.

What theologian are you?

A creation of Henderson

from Just Lisa

I have no idea who Karl Barth is, but I will say, at the moment that I answered the quiz, I was in a state of psychology that closely match the quiz's determination of who my christian theologian would be. Well, I'll have to answer some questions differently to get what I think is really me, but for a first, it seems to have hit a little off the mark of my true philosophy.

Now is the second day of the second quarter of the second year of this student. What could be more mystic than this day, when I felt the deep despair and isolation. I suppose it could be isolation from God. Anyway, it is a journey, and I suffer myself to pass.


NASA - Mars

Spirit has landed in Mars! It's the first exciting event (for me, some enthusiasts, and the hard-working people of NASA, at the very least) to happen in the new year! I have nothing at all to contribute to this matter, except the hope of discovering life (perhaps once-living) outside of Earth.

I am still searching for my voice, my words in composing grand prose. So sometimes, especially for those reading about me for the first time, I will descend into pathetic rhapsodizing and/or poetizing. Most of the time, I just copy from something else.


School starts tomorrow, Monday!

I guess it is time to go back and face the music.

I think I'm ready.

All the worlds in the universe share the same sky, the same destiny.

Starting a journey isn't so hard, maybe because it's already begun.

Who knows, maybe life is simple after all.

The darkness is in my heart, and I am not alone.

There is another me out there, isn't there? Anti-Alan, my doppelganger . . .

Every light casts a shadow. So why be afraid?

Let Hercules himself do what he may.
The cat will mew and dog will have his day.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?

Weblog Commenting by HaloScan.com