E tenebras, lux dormiens

Wired Magazine Issue 11.12

The Wired Magazine, whose January Issue has been released today, has certainly power to imbue me with hope for the future. The wits with which the authors write have filled me with optimism. The fact that people might have been able to clone a human embryo, that there are some hard-core nerds living in dorms unwired for wi-fi, that there are 100 things that should be done to bolster the future of the Internet against spam, viruses, evil malicious people is so inspiring to me that I can't help but smile.

Each month, the magazine makes me feel happy for the general state of humankind. In fact, it makes me envious that I am not of those people participating to better the world in some parts. With six billion people on earth and growing, the fact that all the writing elements of the world can document barely one percents of these (statistics guesstimated) makes for a depressing odds (against me).

I do my part, sir and ma'am, I do my part.

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Oh, I forgot to say that I became qualified for a sign language interpreter today. Of course, it is too late to get an interpreter because everyone has been pretty much assigned. So I will wait until next quarter.

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Two things I need to do:
It is time. I have decided; it is finally time. I will not delay any longer in wallowing in my sense of self-pity. For too long, I have been crippled, physiologically and psychologically, but I will not be crippled any longer. All my duty's this, from MacBeth: "God's benison goes with you and with those, That would make good of bad and friends of foes."

Secondly, I want to apologize for lying to you, for misleading you, for manipulating you, and for doing all bad and evil things to you. In other words, I want to repent.

Now, an explanation. My mother and I went shopping one day, when I saw a group of Asian-Americans (most likely Chinese), some with their dyed-brown hair and looking so marvelously cool. And what did I do, in my low self-esteem? I looked down, avoid their eyes, and fill all my loathings at them in my brain.

I couldn't help but dwell on these group of well-dressed, or just well-fashion-followed, and feel an envious hatred. I see how other people ignore them, but I could not help but think about how I wish to be like them, how I wish to show that I am "special" too. In other words, I wanted to get their attention.

What a tactic that has not been given-up from third grade! How childish I behaved, my mind so focused on useless things. I doubt I could ever be interested in them or their lifestyle, but the first time I saw them so arrogant in their acts, throwing stupidly a piece of vegetable into their cart, etc. etc. I could not be feel enraged, like I want to tell them, stop acting so high and mighty.

There, I remembered, that moment at Fry's that I posted about.

Finally, I remembered that the only way you can forgive others, is if you forgive yourself and love yourself. I saw true clarity, but naturally, I will not forgive myself, not yet, not now. The pain still sears at my heart; I will work to try to forgive myself, but now I have not yet forgiven. I am working toward the day when I, waking up, have finally said, "This is it. I have forgiven myself. I don't know, but I simply don't feel any pain about this anymore. I've forgiven."

But not now. Not now, my little people. Not now. Now, I still feel hatred, loathing, unforgiveness, pain. Here is pain; this is what I feel.