E tenebras, lux dormiens

An indecision on Bush
Complemented with a diary entry

You know what? I think I'll support Bush on his space program after all. I'm a flip-flopper, that's what I do. That's why I want to be a swing voter. I'm not sure how much he'll reform NASA, but I know for a fact that things never change. So, however much America breaks its bank, I'll follow where the President leads.

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I have done another thing that was in my New Year's Resolutions. I came out to one of my friend. Of course, my choice might seem eccentric because she is old enough to be anyone's mother. She herself said that. And yet, she has leftist tendency, and for this, I told her that I am gay.

I signed to her, of course, so I didn't say anything to her. I didn't have to, because sign language showed it. I tried to use the formal sign for 'gay' but she could not understand because I think I might have signed it wrong. So I decided to fingerspell each letter: 'g' 'a' 'y'

She looked at me in surprise and signed: "I'm not."

"I know already."

"Well, I think it's okay. When did you know?"

"Oh, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, around that time." The answer is more complicated that one might assume, especially over the fact of a difference in sexuality.

"I heard that people knew they're gay when they're young. I think they're born that way. I'm glad you told me."

"Oh, I agree."

I sagged my head a little. It was a little more than I could bear.

"Did you know that the ASL professor is gay, too?"

I looked at her, feigning surprise. The truth was that that was never far from my mind. After all, he has told the class about his life, from when and where he was born, to where he lived of what age. Never once, in all his story-telling, I noticed, did he talk about meeting his wife or having a girlfriend. So I just suspected that he might be, but I just left it alone. It is not a matter about which people can talk freely.

She continued, "I'm waiting for him to tell me, but I can understand the privacy of that matter. But you know the other ASL professor? She told me, and she knew. You know Ang? her deaf friend told her and she told me.

As she had to leave for class, which I preplanned, we part ways. I made sure that right when she was about to leave, I would let her know. Not before, not before, because I knew that I would be too much in turmoil of my mind and my heart to be able to continue signing.

And so it was. My stomach felt queasy for a while. And my hands were tingling with the blood that slowed. I drove home, my classes finished for the day.

I thought, What have I done? What did I do so irrevocably? I somehow surmised that such a powerful force of feeling would finally kindle an attraction to women. Nothing came. But I could not think of sex now.

It was a small thing, I reasoned. But still, things large and small have a way of showing the larger consequences not foreseeable.

Who knows, this might be the thing that caused a hurricane. Or if that was a bad thing, I might have averted it. I shall soon see what she does in the future. How has our relationship changed now that she knows this singular fact about me?