E tenebras, lux dormiens

Something About Me

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Hey, I've managed to scan my drawing and put it on the web. Note, any similarities to other characters are entirely fictitious and unintentional.

However, I did employ something from George Orwell's 1984. Remember that passage near the end of the book where O'Brien finally declared intellectual victory over Winston? I copied from that!

Here's what the picture say if you can't read my handwriting. It was from two years ago, but I wanted to post it because I promised to do so, to show what I was like years ago. I might have been 17 or 18 at the time. :-)

Lucifer is saying: "I hate you God! You made us sentient and yet you demand conformity to your idea of order, and normality. Why implant a desire in me to rebel if you are going to punish me? I damn you, damn you, answer me."

To which God replies: "What I will, it is not that thou must. What I will, it is not that thou shalt. What I will, it is that thou already art."

Yes, the coloring is a bit of a mess of magenta, fuschia, cyan, and red. With some dash of purple, blue, and yellow. I think I also had white, but of course, that can't be seen.

Anyway, I'm actually not sure, or I don't remember, if I intended this to be a railing against God for making me gay.

I think it is more that I was simply showing contradictions within God, because how can all that is Good come from Him has something within it that is Evil? How can God, a Perfect Being, think it benevolence to infuse in us the capacity to reason so that we may love the beauty of the world and so forth? And at the same time, we have this tendency or desire to do the things that are not good?

In a sense, I might have been asking: If to sin against God invites eternal punishment, and same-sex attraction is a sin, then I have invited unto my soul an eternal punishment that cannot be rescinded.

What is the purpose, so Calvinistic, for God has decided to pre-ordain some group of individuals for punishment, and other groups for salvation?

Are we, the gays and lesbians, simply unknowing demons of temptation to test not ourselves, but others (the straight population), to see whether others are going to accept us? For it might be that if the others accept us, God will punish them for following the Devil. Is it that we, having already been punished, hold within ourselves and our souls a close-mindedness to be open to the love of God and Jesus Christ, and we are only puppets for them?

Why does God make us all so different that we cannot agree, that we cannot follow God with the same loyalty, same adherence, same interpretation and there be no conflict at all?

I understand that we are being punished for the sins of Adam and Eve. They ate the forbidden fruit. But what was the snake doing there to tempt Eve?

Even then, why did Lucifer have within himself a lust for power that he rebelled against the kingdom of omnipotent God and cast down to Hell?

Indeed, God Himself, is rather human. Or if not human, He is ambiguous and unknowable, and thus, uninterpretable. There are no words ever written by Him, only by His followers, who might or might not have dementia.

There's also Jesus Christ, but I'll talk about Him another time. Note, for those who are reading this, don't take me for an expert on this particular class of theology. My words are simply my perception now; my perception, through which all filtered words to me does flow.