E tenebras, lux dormiens

after thinking hard all night, before i began to dream of other things. and spending part of the day when i have time to myself. i realized something crucial but i've forgotten it. all my energy is spent, plus i want to sleep.

maybe it is not me, because it was never my fault. of course, i am part of what started the conflict, but i didn't go into such conflict with the intention of doing malice. it was how he interpreted my words that he construed the meaning that i was being a stupid apple [changed expletive].

there is something in the manner that makes him very suspicious. so i suspect he has been in a depression, and i might have driven him further in that direction. well, i hope very much that he will forgive the fact that i didn't say the right thing, because i have never believed that we were supposed to be anything more than just friends. of course, i did initially have an attachment problem not entirely Platonic, or more sexual than spiritual. for that, he says that it "digusts" him. sometimes i wonder whether i am wrong or i am right.

having mulled it over the night, i have decided that i am totally right, but no one is wrong. the damaging anonymity of IM can be healthy for those with social skills not to get caught in the web, but absolute destruction for those who have no social skills at all.

i am closer to the latter than the former, and i forgive myself and have tried to change it. everyone is so different, and i can see why so easily. it is as if i had not seen it before.

i must go to sleep soon, but i hope to talk more about it.

the point of my meandering in the passage above, as i read it now and see how confusing it is, was that i was already not quite as sexually attracted to him as i thought i might be, not on the basis of what he says he looks like--i have not seen a picture of him--but on what his personality has been so far. i would have thought that being less sexually attracted would mean that i was less disgusting, but i guess his mind does not think that way, just as mine doesn't.

i don't know. i remember he asked me whether i am fine with dumb guys. maybe i'm not fine at all, maybe i prefer intellectual people. but you know the darn nagging question i have? he's actually more intelligent that you can think because he does well in school (from what he tells me).

so his personality . . . he was enigmatic. he says that he refused to be toyed with his emotions, and implied that i was the one doing so.

seriously? i have sometimes gone online on AIM hoping to talk to him. but of course, he may say that i talk about myself.

i did not perceive myself as playing with his emotion. but i should not take responsibility for what he has interpreted himself because i had no idea until just nights before.

so he has emotions, for me? maybe i am just too dumb to think that i can separate my own sexual desire with "emotions" of the spiritual kinds. but i do have emotions for many people, i like to talk to my friends in real life, although i don't ask them what is happening in their lives because they're just my classmates.

i do have some close friends with whom i share some aspects of my life, my childhood history, with whom i just simply gossip (not in a bad way, just in a useless way).

i toy with him? my god, i don't even have sexual feeling for him, just sexual hoping. and of course, the anticipation might collapse if i did know what he looks like.

then he coarsely accused me of being unable to stop talking to him. i said that it may be that i am unable to commit. then he said, how amusing, cannot commit yet unwilling to stop the conversation? i do not see the logic, but i felt his pain, frustration, and tried to empathize. but unfortunately, i said the wrong things. only problem is, i don't know what the wrong things i've said are.

maybe words can't fix things, but what can i do except send more words. should i say "lo siento mucho"? i feel it so much, buddy. i am so sorry, buddy. i can't! for what am i sorry? i don't even understand. maybe i should not try, because it is not worth it.

at last, here's the thing. i do not feel that having a friendship with him is worth the trouble of maintaining good and friendly relations. i might just have a thick-headed skull. protection of my brain, but also a side effect of not being able to empathize with someone.

then, after the falling out, he abruptly left the conversation by saying that if i couldn't end the conversation, he would do so himself. then he left. i had assumed that he was blocking me, because he said that he was pushing the block button. but now i see him online. from what i know of reading the FAQ, that should not be possible. blocking means that i will never know if someone is online or not. i simply believe that he is never there.

so i am musing on this possible invitation to re-initiate a conversation, and be back on speaking terms. but i cannot simply forget what he did. it is irrevocable, and i am unable to forgive him for what he did to me. i may forgive him in the future, but i will never forget it.

i simply cannot because what we did was irrevocable and communicated without any hope of turning back. there is no clean slate. because i will always say the wrong thing . . . even if not now, i will again. he will provoke me again, he will test me again, and i cannot answer correctly even after many times because i don't understand. i have no comprehension. all my words, all the English i have spent my life learning not only in spite of my deafness, but because of it, cannot put to words what is going on.