E tenebras, lux dormiens

well, chalk that up to number three. i've said it before and i will say it again. i have a habit of driving people away when they get too close to me and to my own thought.

so here was someone there, and i have hurt him. i will not apologize because i am the one of whom I complain most, an ass. and now i am blocked, and probably blocked twice, because i am twice-denied.

overall, i know not what to make of it. at once, as he said, i have trouble breaking apart because i have an abnormal close ties to anyone i meet and know. whether or not i know them, whether or not i have grown up with them or know their every habits, their favorite colors, the teachers that inspire them, each time i see them, i feel like they are my friends.

now i feel very cold, my hands are shaking. i don't know if he is reading this, or fully dissolving the acquaintanceship, for i won't call it a friendship or even an occasional meet and greet.

i suppose it arises from my low self-esteem. i suppose it arises from my self-conceitedness. my god, i feel so cold. i cannot type this post very well because i am shaking, my body, my hands, my both, my teeth are all shaking.

i don't know what the hell it was. what a strange new world, instant messaging that allows many people to contact me from out of the ordinary. acquaintanceship is probably the best word.

i suppose there is such a thing as me being untrustworthy, which is what he says. but he does not know me because he cannot overcome himself. i suppose he would have severed the acquaintanceship sooner if i had shown myself who i truly am, the two-faced gemini.

i don't like being severed. it is as that passage says, "no man is an island, in and of itself. i know for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee."

two-faced gemini. i am my own worst name, JanusRat. did you ever hear that janus was two doors, one of beginning, the other of end? did you ever hear that janus allegorized the story of Noah's Ark? where the man and his family saw the world before and after the flood?

and then there's the rat. a clever animal with so many meanings in so many culture. but the western perception is that the rat is the thief, the stowaway, the epitome of untrustworthiness.

i suppose it is what i had wanted, what i had envisioned from taking an acting class in high school. for i was not willing to tell it to him, but here's yet another disclosure, that i had hoped acting would give me a talent to hide mi homosexualidad.

i have to tell you what my naïve mind was thinking that it could acquire with an acting skill. i actually thought that i could become a womanizer, flirt, and do things with her.

what an innocence, but i will forgive. i suppose it is the fear of growing up alone, of dying alone, no family to take care of me, because i am the last of the line. there is no more lineage of Alan to carry me. where life presents immortality, i bring only the end. where life has staying power, that stays alive continuously through the propagation of animals, i bring only death.

i don't know what he wanted from me, though i know what i wanted from him. i suppose i never asked. and now that i know through his telling me, i suppose the "purpose is defeated" and i am deafened once again.

i suppose my disability is only of the ear, and his is of a multitude.

i know now why i am so cold. i have been cynical at heart. maybe his is doomed, but i wonder one thing though: why did he lie to me? i remember he said that he was learning sign language, and then he said, "but you can hear, why do you learn?"

what a curious phrase! i replied, "when i don't want to talk." i could not bring myself to say that i am deaf, and i had thought that he might not have read my blog.

i had already resigned myself to finding a relationship with someone who sees me and i see him first, instead of through IM, because i had been twice forsworn, and did forswore once. all three with heavy heart at my own superficiality. now he did say that i am superficial, and so that is where i stand at my young age.

i think one thing is also that i do not like being despised. i prefer to be regarded well, to be thought of as well, to be, as i foresaw myself once, the confident leader arising from the persona of the thinker.

maybe it's good to be disliked. does it change who i am? i know not what i do.

who am i? as always, i have asked myself this, and perhaps he of himself as well. i have never come full circle to dealing with my deafness, but he might have come full circle. so why does he attack me for wanting him to out himself?

i could not answer . . . it is just as well that it had to be him to break apart from me, because i could not do it myself. it does seem so dramatic though, because i never understood his true reason . . .

maybe that is the true reason, that he thinks i am all the wrong stuff. i am the stuff of sex, of desire, of superficiality, of being the horny boy who will soon burn out and have nothing left to show but AIDS and death. but i don't know, i've never had sex, never kissed, never done anything. and he didn't either.

if so, then i have the true arrogance that he didn't like, because i am incapable of seeing or understanding other people's reasoning ability. that is why i keep asking this question on the post, because i am always seeking the reason why people would butcher a snake for the purpose of butchering it. why people would toy with me at Fry's and also why i would take so much emotion from it.

so therefore, i am close-minded. maybe i should accept the cynicism in my heart and embrace the darkness of ignorance, for it is where blissness lies. and i would so very much like to live in darkness, live in blissness, where all the words i cannot hear and all the objects i cannot see can together unmake me and my senses.

i am an old man growing young, that is what i say. no, i am a young man growing up.

everything has its time and place, i believe that is possible. i have free will because of the limit of free will. things happen because they happen with their own decisions, their own beliefs that influence them. how i react to them is a process of my biology. how i think about them is a process of my mind, and what my body, my genome, my everything offers it. what i eat is what i am. how much i sleep is how much i think carefully. today can be a bad day for me, but a good day for some others. it is this randomness that is at once coherent, but any attempt for absolute order is the same as death. for it is when the heart beats at the same rhythm, with no variation that is the same as the heart not beating at all. for every heart must vary with the minute, with the second. so i must now take this chance and look upon myself once again.

one thing is true though, i cannot change without others to define me.