E tenebras, lux dormiens

I'm glad this S.F. distraught man is over. It's terrible for those people trapped on the freeway, though. I would feel panic if I was stuck in traffic moving slowly, over the San Francisco bay. I would be hyperventilating, while also feeling a sad sorry for myself for driving a car, ruining the environment.

Actually, it was rather lucky for me. I went to San Francisco on that day, after school. My mom suggested that I drive over there. I didn't want to drive over there. I drove there only once, with her, and going up and down the mountain as well as finding parking are both unpleasant experiences. S.F. is just not a city for cars. If it could be like New York, it'd be great for public transportation. But S.F. is still a troubled city, so it'll have to get over some issues, such as homelessness, and some deprecated areas of Market Street. It'd also be good to convert some suburban places into urban apartments with markets and good walking area. I mean, maybe I'm envisioning an idealistic place, but what I imagine is that there will be a place where people can't drive, they must walk. And there are markets nearby that people can go to shop. It'd be good. And people would be less fatter.

What was I doing in S.F. anyway? I wanted to do something there, but I chickened out. Not only that, I felt nervous in that city because I was going there alone. Next time, I have to bring someone with me so I don't have to feel so nervous. It's just that there are so many there, and instead of being in the safe confine of a car, I felt dangers everywhere. I was paranoid. I mean, I haven't lived in a city since I was 9, and even that was a very isolated experience. I didn't feel safe because it was such a big place and I could get lost there. Maybe not as lost as I would have been in N.Y., but still S.F. is a place where crimes happen, like theft, murder, rape, prostitution, etc.

Maybe it's because of this experience I had. I'll summarize. I was in London, walking out in the early morn, when suddenly a nasty hooker propositioned me for a "fuck." Sure, it's funny now. Definitely not funny at that time, because I was frightened. It was a first. Plus, she reminded me of a lab assistant I had for Chemistry a year or two ago.

So, I was scared. What would happen to me? Because I'm deaf, and naïve, and still don't know what's going on in my surrounding. I had a small brush with a possibly homeless man. And surprise, surprise, I was capable of doing something I never thought about before. I point to my ears and shrug, which was to signify that I couldn't hear, that I was deaf. I mean, before, I would just lean up to that person, asking "What? What did you say? I heard you said . . . but I couldn't hear." Now, with perfect stranger, I know full well to just point to my ears and pretend I hear nothing. And in reality, I don't understand anything!

If I heard, I wouldn't be leaning toward some perfect stranger to try to hear what he or she is saying. If I lean toward someone, I'm putting myself in a vulnerable state to be robbed! In America, it's respectable to maintain an equanimous distance with a stranger.

So, I learned something. It's from observing my ASL professor. He's Deaf, and I observed him doing that, and I thought, "What a great idea! I don't have to go through so much misery simply by not conforming to what my broken ears have denied me. Instead, I just be deaf."

But I still felt threatened when I walk in S.F. It's probably those weird people pushing carts, or just walking around speaking nonsense. Without a car, I can't lock up the doors. So I'm just there, and there's this person two feet away and I'm ready to run out of fear. What if she has a knife and is ready to stab me seven times? What if he's diseased and trying to give me cancer? I'm being melodramatic and paranoid. I don't like to walk down a street alone, because there's so many people ready and able to jump out and attack me. Every house has someone living there. Every day, at every hour, there's someone walking around. There's a bunch of adolescents, or young adults slashing tires, starting up car alarms, breaking windows, venting frustration, etc.

Especially at night. People sleep, but the clubbers, the muggers, the cops still rock on. I truly do admire their fortitude.