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Lurking in . . .
"From the darkness, sleeping light." Formerly luminus dormiens. Lux pacis, light of peace.
Quote: "Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us." --Bill Watterson, cartoonist, Calvin and Hobbes
I've wasted a few hours reading this, and I'm still not finished. My eyes glazed over and I worry about becoming even more myopic, but the site is still so interesting.
It provided a new perspective on Buffy and Angel that I never thought about before.
This is the best web-based email site I've ever had the privilege of signing up for. Unfortunately, it doesn't allow for a good choice of domain name . . .
So Tile263 says he lives in New Jersey, and as an aspiring actor, wants to study at a conservatory. The unfortunate thing is that he hasn't reply to my email (I've sent him one) and that he vanishes rather quickly after signing onto AIM. I don't know what's happened to him, but he would be my third casualty of meeting people online. I don't know if he still has my screenname, but I hope he can email me @netscape.net.
I have wants to express something that weighs heavily upon the soul, but unlike others, I cannot bring it out, express it in any form. What is this that holds my chest so?
I've had a pretty dull Thanksgiving dinner. We, i.e. my parents and I, have just baked a turkey and brought it to my aunt's house, along with a pumpkin pie, and a gravy powder.
She, her husband, and their child had moved to Hercules, a small town west of Richmond, a city north of Oakland, which is in the East Bay Area. Her house is pretty darn nice and new, but has no life yet because it was just recently built.
Aunt didn't want to cook a turkey herself because she doesn't like to cook and is a stickler for neatness.
It is time for us to get off our back and petition the government for the redress of this grievance! Once again, the Senate is under pressure to introduce a legislation that would allow Arctic Drilling.
I understand that there is a need for energy, but there are so many alternative ways to get energy than one that would melt the glaciers of the highest peaks of the world.
I understand that terrorism is a pressing concern, but the inability to take care of the Earth means that the Earth won't be able to sustain human beings anymore. The ravages of hurricanes and stormy weather will worsen, and the death of millions of Americans due to starvation is much worse than death by introduced diseases, nuclear radiation, and some dumb terrorists out to kill themselves for a strange deity they call Allah.
Be sure to watch this latest news on global warming and the implication that the melting of the glaciers on the highest peaks of all seven continents in the world will have for the human beings who live in it.
This is simple-minded even to think about. I would accept whether anyone wishes to have the Ten Commandments placed in the judicial branch. It's not a violation of the separation of the church and the state because the state was founded fundamentally as a Christian nation.
What was ridiculous was when former Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore proclaimed that refusing to remove the monument is "an 'acknowledgement of God' protected by his First Amendment rights." The First Amendment only forbids Congress from enacting any law toward abridgment of the freedom of speech, establishment of an official religion, and prevention of individuals from gathering together to redress any grievances. It does not, however, forbid the federal judiciary, or even the executive branch from issuing orders contrary to the First Amendment.
Therefore, the federal judges are free to "legislate" over how far the rights of free speech can extend. The President is free to suppress any opposition to war. President Abraham Lincoln had himself done this, and is rightly labeled as a dictator. In an effort to raise support for their respective wars, the Civil War for Lincoln and World War II for Roosevelt, they had to shut down any media opposing them. Therefore, we can call him a beloved dictator.
The founding fathers recognized that war is practically impossible in a democracy, because the public opinion is subject to change based on how many people have died or whether a battle was lost.
So to ensure that the nation could defend themselves against any foreign powers, the founding fathers did NOT delegate the right to suspend Habeas Corpus to any branch, but did concede that in time of insurrection or invasion, it would be allowed. President Lincoln used that power, because it would have been difficult for Congress to be capable of enacting any such law, since they are too close to the populace and thus are easily influenced by them.
Inter arma silent leges. (In time of war, the laws are silent). The Suspension of Habeas Corpus
I am not ready for relationships, of friends or of intimates, at all. The reason things happen to me is because I have put myself in a situation that increases the probability of it occurring. And when it occurs, I have taken on the opportunity.
It could also be that my expectation is set too high. Certainly, I'm superficial. Guys in every fairy tales are superficial. Hasn't everyone noticed that it's always the princess who ultimately fall in love with a frog?
This article on the glow-in-the-dark fish highlights the amazing advance that science has made. It keeps the future bright (pun intended).
I don't know whether it is "ethical" or "moral" to create such fish, because now I'm realizing that there is a deeper sense of the idea of morality as being simply that of whether such creations are natural.
In one sense, it is unnatural because such fish could not have come into existence by nature. In the other sense, because such fish can be created, whether by scientists or by nature, creation of a glow-in-the-dark fish is perfectly natural. Contamination of the genetic wildlife is also perfectly natural. Human beings have been contaminating everything for the last five hundred years by reproducing to an "unnatural" extent, resulting in more than six billion countable people in the world.
Death is perfectly natural, yet scientists are discovering medicine and surgeries that allow death to be postponed and people to live to "unnatural" age. Should we condemn such advances? Should all human beings be made to die at the age of 65, before they even have the chance to retire? By employing euthanasia, also natural, we can eliminate the needs for social security.
I just saw the tv show on the conspiracy and I can say I'm glad to get some unbiased information on the Kennedy assassination.
I watched the JFK movie before, and I thought all the facts were real, but this program said that Oliver Stone took some creative license, changes the facts to increase the theory of conspiracy.
I actually believed that there was a conspiracy, but now I know that I can't believe in whether there was a conspiracy or there wasn't. I can form my own opinion based on the facts that are given to me, rather than what some movie writer wants.
I can't blame any writer for sprucing up a story by changing facts; Shakespeare himself changed a lot of facts to suit his plot.
I was so happy yesterday when I learned that English class was canceled today. Yet, what have I done with this free time? Waste it. I have not yet started on my English rough draft and probably won't until tomorrow, the day before the actual day of reckoning.
I don't know what I'm going to do with the English paper. I have to type 4-5 pages, and I may need to do more than two short stories . . .
If you've seen the question marks in place of where those accented characters are, I apologize for the confusion. Blogger is obviously not intended to be an international-friendly organization.
Of course, I don't really know. After all, I was using the dead key + letter keyboard layout, such as pressing ' before a vowel to get a letter with the fancy mark on top.
I have finished the Biology Lab Final Paper yesterday and have made some corrections today. This does not solve the looming problem of typing up four other pages, one in a different language . . .
Once again, here's the list of what I must do!
English rough draft (4-5 pages, due Tuesday)
American Sign Language CSDF Open House Report (1-2 pages, due Tuesday)
Communication (1-2 pages, due Wednesday)
Composición español (doscientas palabras, para entregar miércoles)
I am sometimes disappointed that when I think of an idea that I could elaborate on in this blog, I forget about it by the end of the day, so I post nothing. There are those writers who cannot simply not write, who must find a computer to post an idea, any idea that occurs. I sadly am not of those.
Ah, I remember now. What I wanted to post was that I had a dream two nights ago and last night.
Two nights ago, I can barely remember, but it should occur to me as I write about my dream last night.
Last night, I dreamt that my English professor had revealed to me a secret to great writing, to acing an essay. All I needed to do was to incorporate my life experience that makes an essay exciting.
Ri-di-cu-lous! Now that I think about it. If I was explicating a short story, I definitely cannot use any first-person or second-person reference in my essay because that would make the essay too informal and too conversational.
Well, I don't remember the dream from two nights ago. It was something about . . . sigh. I should write everything down before I proceed to explain one or the other so that it doesn't slip my mind.
Anyway, one post I'm writing is about a boy I had a crush on. I'm not sure I have a crush on him now, but I just told him about my sexuality, "come out to him" in an IM message. First time and second time, he never said anything about it. So I got mad at him, and he couldn't understand. I told him that I'm gay and then he said that he doesn't care, he still love me (as a friend).
Well, that doesn't make it easier anyhow. But I hope to see him again soon, especially now I can be more open to him. I kept worrying that I was driving him away or that I just have an irrational fear that I would drive him away. Now I know, with a bit of certainty I won't do that. It's just that he won't ask me about my relationships. I'm not sure how comfortable he is. He's in love with a girl and he claims he will marry her. And at such a young age! I believe it not, but let him do what he will. If she loves him, so much the better. I doubt he is very adaptable to changing circumstances, but I as always will be there for him till the parting of the way.
I have five papers to write up for next week. First is English rough draft (4-5 pages due Tuesday). Second is Biology Lab Final Paper on the Osmoregulation of Earthworms (5-10 pages due Monday). Third is Communication Studies Group Project Journal on Mexican-Immigration and Californian response (1-2 pages due Wednesday). Fourth is on the American Sign Language Open House (1-2 pages due Tuesday). Fifth is the Spanish Composición Tres (200 words due Wednesday).
Boy, I have a lot of work to do this weekend.
You know about the American Sign Language thing, right? I've pretty much banged on your head about my being deaf and my learning American Sign Langauge.
The problem is, most of those people learning ASL are women. It's pretty stupid. And most of them are taking the classes just to minor in a language, without any desire for becoming interpreters, joining the Deaf community, and/or practicing ASL further after graduation. ASL is just simply forgotten. I've met many a woman, and no man yet, who told me that she had learned ASL a long time ago and has forgotten most of them.
There should be more men, I don't know why. And you know what else, those women learning ASL, many of them also major in Liberal Studies, meaning that they plan to be a teacher, I guess.
I guess there are quite a few plausible reasons for not wanting to learn ASL, male particularly:
1. ASL is the moving of the hands, sometimes in extraordinarily effeminate ways. As always, most men, straight and closeted gay, tend to avoid effeminate movements. Those who are not closeted, love music, and can't bear to be a part of a culture where music cannot be heard.
2. ASL is too easy because of the spatial movement required. After all, boys have strength in area of spatial reasoning, and since ASL is very spatial and pictorial, ASL is too easy and thus, too below them in class.
3. ASL is for girls only. See #1. Girls tend to use ASL as a way of covert communication, and I guess, boys like to see them sign, but they know they are superior to girls. By knowing, I mean that I see so often that when a boyfriend takes a girlfriend's hat and play with it with his friend, the girlfriend can only pout and say, "you're being mean."
And numerous reasons I'm sure I don't know. Actually, these reasons I've presented I didn't get as an answer from any male in particular. It's my own biased, generalized, stereotypical reasoning.
I suppose I should go out and stop someone on the street and ask him, "Why don't you learn American Sign Language?"
No, I don't do that. And I won't.
I'm sorry, I should be posting more, but I'm just not a blogger.
I would have thought that the sensitivity of people, males particularly, could be increased by suffering persecution. That is a blatant lie! Blatant, blatant, blatant!
The problem is that each and every human being, male particularly, has that within itself to discriminate, to generalize, and to stereotype. This cannot be avoided or subdued even with the great society bearing down on them. This generalizing is a natural attempt to disseminate the massive amount of information received through the five or more senses that exist. You must generalize trees as trees, not as being coniferous, or pine, or fir, or whatever the hell a tree with Canadian shaped leaf is called.
The problem is that the deaf people are generalized into being a group known as disabled people. And it is a group not one "normal" people will touch, unless he or she was touched by it. E'en so, there's a rub. Some people have different reactions to disability. There are those that want to become a part of the disabled world. There are those that would rather avoid any discussion of disability. There are those with that tendency to think of being deaf as the most terrible means of existence, the most demeaning, the most for which you must feel sympathy. There are those that think deafness is simple a part of one's life, and should not be used as a tool to round up a group of people against whom to discriminate, of which to experience a severe decrease of penile volume.
I don't know what hearing people think of deafness. I've never asked, and so I'm not qualified to generalize. There are students in my class who are learning American Sign Language, so obviously they love moving their hands.
Sometimes I wonder when a man is experiencing an erection whether or not he goes limp at the thought of disability, whether in a man or a woman, whether crippled, retarded, or deaf. I suppose everyone is different, and the Internet is not exactly the best way to meet people with lower expectations.
Although I have thought about seeking a relationship online, I now laugh at the thought because I always in that moment of romanticism forget the singular fact that the people on the other side of the computer believe that I am "normal" as they are.
Once I tell them, the first thought is probably extreme disappointment. It's like someone telling you she/he is 27 when you expect her/him to be within your set age range.
Then they stop talking, without explanation. I suppose I should leave the matter alone, but I only wish that I could--no, I guess it would not be worth my time. Let these pimps think what they will, my duty's mine, my life's mine, to do with what I will as well.
Sometimes, I feel that as I grow in support of viewing American Sign Language (ASL) as a true language for communication and discussion on any topics conceivable in the human world, I am using the same arguments I have heard again and again.
Yes, ASL is a language. ASL is based on visual modality, just as spoken languages of Spanish, French, Navajo and others are based on audial modality. Each handshape has a specific use to produce specific meaning, each sound uttered through the use of the tongue, lip, teeth, throat, and lung has a specific combination to produce words that we can understand.
Time and time again, I hear this argument. Time and time again, I hear the reseach cited and the Navajo and Russian languages held in comparison. Time and time again, I hear ASL praised as being the most developed and the most expressive sign language of all the sign languages of the world.
Time and time again, I hear how different Signed Exact English (SEE) is so different in structure from ASL. I hear that SEE is simply using ASL with some additional non-ASL signs signed in English word order, e.g. Subject-Verb-Indirect_Object "I love him." ASL says it instead in this format, "Him I love."
Again and again and again, this argument I hear so often and so much the same that I feel I should be rebelling, that I should say ASL is not a language, but a feeble composition of signs.
So here is the list of arguments I have to say that ASL is not a language:
1. It is limited to people who can see it. Unlike spoken language, which can be shouted to get the maximum attention, signed language exaggerated will not get the attention of those who are not eyeballing your way.
2. Your eyes must work well to see ASL. When something's caught in your eyes, communication is lost. Where there's fog, there's no one talking.
3. Your hands must be unencumbered to sign. If you are using your hands for something else, you cannot sign, which can be dangerous for certain situation, such as surgery.
4. You need light, and that light must be perfectly balanced for a comfortable signing environment. If there's a light behind the one that is signing to you, you cannot see anything except silhouette. If there is no light, you cannot see anything. (Of course, for those who are blind and deaf, they can understand the ASL through touch, the most powerful sense.)
5. ASL is not a language in which anger can be easily shown. Sometimes, people just need to raise their voice, but how can you raise your hands?
6. When there is a conflict, and people are avoiding that conflict, the trouble is that that person with whom you are arguing may look away, thus frustrating your attempt to put your righteous ideas in your head.
7. Being unable to hear means that you don't hear all the fuck, cunt, shit, fag, and all the slang available in the hearing world. You are in fact isolated.
8. There is a limit in the number of signs that you have. After all, how many different signs can you really make that would have the same variety as in English? I understand that people claim that English speakers have a working vocabulary of 2,500 words a day, and from this therefore, the number of signs in the ASL lexicon is right there on the mark. The fact is that Shakespeare used 39,476 different words in his work, English has a total of 500,000 words. That total would make any ASL users quiver.
9. There is no sign for every single word. I will say that ASL can explain the meanings of any English words, just as English and Spanish can be used to explain the meanings of each other, but the limitation of signs mean that you cannot find a variety of words to give an exact meaning that you want to convey.
I understand that to augment the relative scaracity of signs ASL users employ fingerspelling (A B C . . .) and use classifiers to produce imagery. Two things: (1) Fingerspelling, especially for long word, can be slow for any native speakers, and mortifyingly slow for new beginners; (2) Classifiers are good for visual things, but not for abstract things. I'm sure that ASL signs can help to explain abstract meaning like condensation, abstract, antidisestablishmentarianism, but still (!) . . .
Some people regard number 7 to be a good thing, women in particular because they would prefer not to be exposed to sordid things.
True, ASL is the official language for international conference. Where there is needed a sign language translator, ASL is the one translating. Where two cultures want to meet, an ASL interpreter is there.
So what am I trying to say? ASL is a fun language to learn, it help you exercise with your hands and fingers. I take great delight in carving meanings in air that disappear very quickly, just as sound disappears, to leave a mark on the listener.
But now that I have outed myself as a deaf, with all the meanings that that word implies, it shall be consolidated into a part of me that will present and absent itself in these electronic texts that I submit on a semi-regular basis.
Having discover this, reading this passage, you must now have gleamed a reason for my awkward language, and my awkward choice of word. I believe you would term these sentences, these paragraphs, these essays that I write with three words, "intellectual deaf quality." I am intellectual, as I have said time and time again. I am deaf, as I have explained yesterday. But what of quality? I believe, and perhaps this is due to my gross insecurity, I write deaf. Not that I write deafly, nor that I write of deafness or like an illiterate deaf, but that I write with such peculiar grasp of the meanings of certain words. This peculiar meaning you can understand does not have the full colors of the meaning that native speaker knows.
Two weeks ago, I have never heard of the word corey. Or, I could say that I have, but I never learned the meaning of the word as a slang. Who but a native speakers could surmise that it has a similar meaning to "goofy," "childlike," or "juvenile"? Who could surmise that meaning? The word is probably British, that is all I can guess.
Let us move on. People who have read my essay from my childhood know that I have the tendency to jump forward and back, to leave behind such a chaotic structure and numberless disorganizations that leave most teachers fumbling for what I am saying, yet they do know that what I say is profound.
I do not believe I have overcome that disorganized reality.
Let me say this very clearly, these are the aspects of my life that I believe is normal, is not something from which you will discern any evidence of deafness:
1. I enjoy philosophy.
2. I don't understand arts.
3. I hate biology and English.
4. I like the idea of physics, but that does not mean I will understand the mathematical concepts that physics employ.
5. I like Star Trek: The Next Generation and some of Deep Space Nine. I do not like any Star Trek that comes after these shows. I have not watched Star Trek: The Original Series.
6. I do not have cable, so I cannot watch Discovery Channel.
7. I do not know the direction that my life is taking.
8. I have made some mistakes, embarrassing, stupid, ignorant, and impulsive.
9. I do not know whether there is an afterlife. I waffle between believe in it supremely, and believing that death is something that occurs to you and you from existence fade.
10. I am not doing well at school at all, and this has also taken a bruising on my belief in myself as being capable of managing my schoolwork.
Where in these things can you find that could be applied to only a deaf? Where indeed, that they can reflect many Americans?
So, you readers, whom I might have driven away from this website because of my content, because of my deafness, because of who I am, I have nothing to say to you. I will not tell you what to do, because you have that decision already made within yourself.
For those that stay, that believe themselves interested by what I write, by my opinions that have been influenced by many things of my life, by the fact that I have a unique perspective on many things, I do have one thing to say: read on. And that is what you are allowed to follow or not, disregard or not, and do with what you will.
I AM DEAF/HARD-OF-HEARING/HEARING-IMPAIRED.
Yet, I will not give my opinions on such stuff. It is not something of which I can be proud, nor something that I wish was not part of me. It is a unique part of my existence, and I wear that proudly, my experience, my life, my history, my past, every part of me, has been influenced by my hearing, but is not under its control nor controls it.
Therefore, for me to meet someone on the Internet, I am at a loss to explain that though I am deaf, it should not preclude me from meeting someone in real life. Yet, it does. Yet it does.
Note two experiences, both bad, that I have had with meeting someone from online. My faith in myself, life, and the non-superficiality of gay men, twice broken, has left me nothing but to say "SHAME ON YOU!"
The first experience I now relate. It was a boy, AIM: Sharky4150, XY: 4uphoenix, junior in Castro Valley High School, first name Patrick, last name unknown. He lives in Castro Valley of the San Francisco Bay Area. He lives on Stanton Ave. He told me he was working at the Plunge, the swimming pool at Hayward. I decided to meet him, and he me. What transpired was an awkward avoidance.
After that, the Internet is never same. He refused to initiate conversations with me. He refused to participate in conversation with me. He refused to do the things which must be done to further any relationship, such as self-disclosure. After all, communication study states that to further a relationship, it is necessary to reveal an inner part of yourself so that the other person will do the same.
I revealed an area of myself that I am still sensitive about, my deafness. What do I get back for this self-disclosure, ignorance, bigotry, stupidity to the far extreme.
I pressed him to explain why he stopped talking to me. At first he said it was video games taking up his time, then it was his homework. I pressed him harder, longer, and brought up my deafness and the meeting with him.
He typed back to me. "I thought it was weird."
We never spoke again.
Witness the second experience. I never met the man. His first name is Jay, he is a student at University of San Francisco. He lives in San Francisco and enjoys driving. His AIM screen name are doikomo and jtboyzzz.
Because of my depression arising from the first online meeting with Sharky, I decided not to tell him about my deafness. I had in effect, endured a bruising to my already blantant insecurity.
I suppose I understand why meeting people from online has such a bad rap. The people you meet expect you to be some perfect person, with all five senses available. That you can whisper to them in the dark, that you can talk without looking at each other, that you can do so many things that deaf people cannot, that you can talk on the phone, and hear the sweet sound of his voice.
I suppose I should initiate conversations, and not let conversations be initiated upon me. For when they do so, they do so with the expectation of perfection. For when I do so, I should expect less, because I will tell them upfront, whosoever answers unto me, that I possess only four and a half out of five senses available to me.
So what happened was that I eventually told him and explained to him about my hearing and how I look. I wear glasses, contact lenses are possibility to my ears. I wear hearing aids, and I am a gifted lip-readers. Say anything to me, and with a face to look at, I will pick up what you say.
He never replied to me again. No matter how many times I try to talk to him, I know he is ignoring me and has put me on the block list. To prove that he did not reply, I signed in with another screenname and initiate a conversation with him quite quickly. That means, he has effectively ignored me.
I want so much to tell you how I grew up. I grew up with speech therapist and patient English teachers to build up my language. I never learned how to sign in the years of my growth, years of my puberty, years of my existence since birth. I have worked so hard to learn English, I have not started learning Sign Language until two years ago.
What have I learned all this English for, worked so hard to communicate with hearing people for, but to get overlooked by men in search of superficial perfection? Indubitably, my good man. That I had to be gay, and deaf, and chinese, and myopic is all the worst to my life when people are looking for someone else. Would not woman be more tolerant than this?
Why, I dream of a society in which a prince would choose to kiss a toad, and view such beauty in it as a princess!
It's amazing how life can turn on a dime, isn't it? And now I'm in the middle of the week of the quarter system, where I'm halfway through and halfway still more to go. I waded so far that to try to go back would be as tiring as continuing the journey.
I am busy, I have two things due tomorrow and Wednesday, and they about writing an essay.
'I am in blood stepped so far that should I wade no more,
returning were as tedious as go o'er'--Macbeth
Watch the news, you might need to log in or register.
The link above leads to an article on the splitting of the Episcopal Church in Florida. We should be watching this very carefully.